People, it’s great to be here, thank you for joining me. Can I just quickly tell you what the law of the universe is? Ok… here it goes. Anything that you feed, nurture, and invest in grows, and anything that you neglect, ignore, or deprive will wither and die. Why am I telling you this? Well, i’m telling you this because your small investment right now, to improve your psychology, your perspective, and your optimism, will pay big dividends for you in the future. My simple objective is to pump your life full of the best positive psychology, growth mindset, and cognitive-behavioral skills in the planet, and then watch you go and rock this world with your energy, idealism, and awesomeness, let’s goo!
Ok, so your question this week is fabulous, and it may be something that you have experienced, may experience in the future, and also something that may be happening to one of your friends. One of you asked “How do handle unwanted attention? I don’t know what else to do! It’s starting to feel like harassment.” Ok… look, I think this is a little bit of a sensitive topic. I mean it’s wonderful to be liked, to have someone who is showing interest in you, to have someone who wants to be your friend, or boyfriend, or girlfriend, I mean it’s a nice compliment right? But there is a line right, and today I want to talk about that line, and help you to not cross it, and also to give some of you some tips on how to set boundaries, and get help if you need it.
So years and years ago I chatted with this young man who had just gone through a break up. He and his girlfriend had been together for a little while, but then his girlfriend broke up with him. He was heartbroken. It’s hard to be rejected, right? And of course he was trying to deal with it, and wanting to move forward, but it was really difficult for him to just let it go, and move on, so he continued to try and get together with this girl. He would follow her on instagram, FB, Snap, and make comments on her posts. She didn’t really like this. She was ready to move on, and felt like his behavior was inappropriate, and clingy. I mean…he was persistent right? He really liked this girl, and really wanted to get back together with her, and honestly, he was misreading her clues. So he pressed on, until she spoke to one of the vice principals at the school, who brought him in and said… ‘Dude, man, you got to stop. This young lady doesn’t know what else to do to get you to leave her alone.” Well he got the message, and he did stop, and did the best he could to move on… which of course he did, and now he is fine and on to new adventures.
On her part, this young lady was kind, she was sweet. She didn’t want to be rude to him… that just wasn’t her style, and so even though she was not texting him back, or engaging him in social media or other platforms, she just couldn’t bring herself to confront him directly and say “I am not interested, and I need some space from you. Please don’t contact me again.” or how Taylor Swift would say “we’re never, ever, ever, ever, getting back together!” I know that was a little much, but it got the message across.
Ok, let’s break this down a little. You know I’m a fan of YES! I think as people we need to say YES more often. Yes to adventure, to fun, to social gatherings, to new hobbies, to events at your school or community, yes to new things, yes to things that are challenging and that will stretch you… just say yes to awesome things, and quit hiding behind your phone, or somewhere else… challenge yourself. But in this case, I need to teach you how to take a NO!
When people do not consent. When they say NO. When they are not engaging back. When they push you away. When they say that they don’t want it or like whatever it is that you’re doing to them. When they’ve broken up with you, or have moved over to some new friendships, I want you to imagine a huge STOP sign in front of you, and then switch directions, and go a different way. I’m not trying to suggest that this is easy to do, or that you won’t feel sad, or angry, or even cry some tears, or that your confidence won’t be shaken… what I want to suggest is that this is time for you take this NO, and move in another direction. It’s difficult to try something new. To make new friends. To start something new with someone else, but my friend, this is what you are born to do! Evolution isn’t about the survival of the species, it’s about the survival of the most adaptable, and being dynamic and adaptable is what you are made to do! Please trust me. You’re not leaving your soul-mate behind, or the love of your life, or the one thing that was keeping you sane… yes, I’m sure that the person you’re thinking about is pretty awesome and incredible… we all are… but I would like to suggest that you have the ability to shift gears, shift your focus, put your energy into another direction, and go again my friend, because there are so many other incredible opportunities out there for you, that I honestly can’t even count. My goal for you here is to enter into a relationship in an awesome and honorable way, and to leave one, in an awesome and honorable one. Don’t ever try to manipulate someone or guilt someone into staying with you. Don’t ever use your sadness, or your own personal struggles as a justification for someone to stay with you. Someone incredibly wise once taught me this simple line… “No means next,” and when I mean next, I really mean, it’s time for you to try something new, to begin a new chapter, to wipe the slate clean, to turn the page, to hit the reset button, to press play on a new adventure, to chart a new course, shift gears, to go again… but better.
A long time ago, this country singer Garth Brooks… honestly he was kind of a big deal back in the day, but he wrote this song called “Unanswered Prayers.” In this song, Garth Brooks tells the story about how he and his wife Sandy went back to his hometown of Oklahoma and ran into his old high school flame (that’s an old person’s word for sweetheart or girlfriend) at the football game. During high school, this was the girl he wanted and had prayed for, but his prayer wasn’t answered, and as a result, he believes that he ended up getting something much better. Sometimes in Middle School or High School, or honestly later in life, you may want something so badly. You may be a little fixated, and think that this is the most important thing ever, but you may find later on, that not getting what you wanted, propelled you to something much better. In other words, it’s like what Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones said “You can't always get what you want, But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find, You get what you need.” You’ve got this.
So how about you? What if you’re getting unwanted attention from someone, and you want them to stop, what can you do? Well, let me give you some options, and you can choose to do whatever you feel will the very best choice.
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Do Nothing: I suppose this is one of your choices, right? Maybe you don’t think it’s a big deal, or you’re not ready to take a more active role in stopping whatever is going on, and you’re just hoping that it will stop when that other person realizes that you’re not interested. I think a lot of us are pretty hopeful and passive that way, and so if this is where you’re at, that’s ok, but just remember that if that person continues to cross that line over and over and over, you may want to consider taking one of the next steps.
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Say something: Look, at some point, I think it’s important to tell the people in your life, or in your relationships, what’s important to you, what you enjoy, and what are some things that just don’t work for you. Relationships are the pinnacle of maturity, and so learning how to navigate these waters, is important for you. This could be a great first step. If someone is doing something that is making you angry, uncomfortable, afraid, controlled, or harassed, just call it what it is, and say it to that person. You can do this in person, over a phone call, videol, text, email… how you do it is less important, what matters is that you take a step, create a clear boundary, and hold to it. Don’t be afraid to repeat it… sometimes people need to hear something multiple times. If someone is harming you, harassing you, threatening you, trying to control you, scaring you… in my opinion, it’s time for you to straighten your back, take a deep breath, muster up some courage, and say NO, definitively. What do you think? Here’s another suggestion.
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Get someone to help you: Just like that young lady who spoke to someone she trusted at her school, we all need a little help sometimes. This is normal. You’re not some weakling who is a freak, we all need a little support some time, so don’t be afraid to reach out and speak openly to your parents, siblings, friends, or trusted adults in your community or school, and ask for a little help, and a fresh and objective perspective. I’ve been a therapist for 20 years, and one of the things that clients appreciate the most about what I do for them, is that because I’m not totally embedded in their personal life, I can sometimes offer a more objective perspective, that helps them to see the entire iceberg, and not just the tip… know what I’m saying? You don’t have to have all the answers.
So… maybe this hasn’t been the most exciting or easy to talk about topic, but can I just be a little serious for a moment? My dear friend, I want you to have access to every advantage in life. I want you to have a stellar reputation at your school and community. I want you to live deeply and suck all of the marrow of life. I want you to be joyous, successful, and fabulous, and by the way, I absolutely believe you can be. I’m telling you this because some of these we are talking about, harassing behaviors can have some serious consequences in your life, in your school, even legally. You know I’m not here to scare you, but I want to be real, and I want to protect you from making the kind of mistakes that could honestly create some big obstacles in your path… and you don’t need those. So remember, awesome and honorable in relationships, and awesome and honorable out of relationships. Thank you for listening, have a lovely day!!!