My awesome friend, you are brilliant for taking a short moment to watch and listen. Today’s question is so key, and I’m sure it’s something that you’ve most likely faced, and if not, you will in the future, I guarantee it. The question we’ve heard over and over again is some version of “I don’t feel very comfortable about some of the things my friends are doing or saying, but I don’t want to be known as a snitch… what should I do?” I’ll be honest, at first glance this question seems to be fairly straight forward. It’s a question between personal integrity (in other words, you doing what is right), and social pressure (you doing what’s right by your friends)... Or between honesty and loyalty. Or between you being silent, or you saying something. The challenge is that in some of these situations, you’re choosing between what appears to be two good choices (in the case of honesty and loyalty), and in another case, it’s between you choosing to do something that is morally correct and that matches your personal values, and on the other side, you don’t want to hurt your friends, or even create more social drama for you. I get it… this is a challenging question.
In addition to this “Snitching Dilemma” we need to add the school you are going to. If things are happening in your school, such as: bullying, fighting, drug use, vaping, racist or discriminating language, cheating, gossiping, or abusive drama between friends that is happening in person, over social media, or over text, and if you are caught in the middle of that… even if you are not the instigator or ring leader, you too are likely going to suffer some negative consequences, for just following the crowd. So the question is, what can you do? I don’t want to create a lose-lose situation for you, right? A situation where you are between a rock and a hard place, and either way it’s going to be painful for you.
So here’s what I’m proposing, can you and I put our brains together… our best thinking… and come up with some solutions that allow you to choose wisely. That can help you to move from a lose/lose scenario to possibly a win/win, or at the very least a solution that allows you to keep your self-respect. I’m reminded of the Reverend Martin Luther King’s words “The ultimate measure of a man or woman is not where they stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where they stand at times of challenge and controversy.”
By the way, social pressure is a real thing! What people refer to as ‘mob mentality.’ Mob mentality is when people in a group start thinking and acting in the same way, often doing things they wouldn’t normally do if they were alone.
For example, imagine you’re at a sports game and your team loses. Everyone around you is really upset and starts booing, yelling at the refs, and before you know it, some people start throwing things on the field. Even though you wouldn’t usually do that on your own, you might feel pressured to join in because everyone else is doing it.
Mob mentality happens because you feel safer and more powerful when you’re part of a crowd, and you don’t feel as responsible for your actions. It’s good to understand this so that you can think for yourself and make your own decisions, even when you’re in the middle of a group.
The author Mark Twain said this, "It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." Think about that for a moment… my friend, I have to be honest, I’m here to strengthen your back and your spine. To help you stand a little more confidently and take care of business… your business, and the business of being a force for good wherevery you are. MLK also said, "You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say." Ok… before I get carried away, let’s talk about what options you have available.
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Don’t participate. If your friends are doing things that are dishonest, against the law, against school rules, mocking, ridiculing, harming, bullying, using abusive, discriminatory or racist language toward others, if they are doing things that make you uncomfortable, or that go against your personal values, or beliefs… don’t participate! Don’t add to the problem. If you’re part of a text thread, or social media post, or group that is doing these things, my personal suggestion to you, is to start migrating away from these places, and start moving toward other places that are more positive, friendlier, and that don’t put you in risk of losing your freedom and self-respect. Do whatever you need to do. Leave the texting group, the social media thread, the situation… come up with an excuse, but get yourself out. What do you think? I feel like this is a positive first step that you can do on your own.
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Talk about it. Do you have a friend that you respect? A school counselor, administrator, or teacher that you trust? I mean, you also have a… you know… parents, that you could have a conversation with. There’s a pretty good chance that they’ve been through something similar, and may have some suggestions for you. Maybe a brother or sister, a coach, or a community or religious leader you trust… open up, get a little courage and confidence on your side. You don’t need to do this all by yourself. For some of you, I know this will be hard… opening up… talking about something like this, but people… like I was telling you before, there is power in numbers… there is power in people, and it isn’t just negative pressure, it’s positive pressure, so be wise, and use it to make solid life decisions.
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Try to be a positive influence. Look, I hear you. I know this is the era of “i’m gonna do my own thing,” and “I’m going to mind my business,” it’s your call, I’m just offering you a suggestion that may or may not work… I’m no fool, but if you really like these people, if you really like this group, and you don’t want to lose them, but at the same time you feel like, this particular group of people is constantly placing you in these risky situations that you don’t feel great or awesome about, well then you can try to raise the tide, and inspire them to be and do a little better. I mean, if there are negative influences in our lives, there can be certainly be good ones. So muster up a little courage, remember that history is on your side, intelligence is on your side, good values and principles are on your side, better outcomes and consequences are on your side, so go with a little skill, with confidence, with a little honesty, and do what you can to lift where you are. Remember that there are no guarantees, but you can try if you feel it is worthwhile, but if you’re constantly met by a wall of resistance and if it’s causing more pain than is necessary, you may just decide that it’s time to give these people a little espacio, and let them do their thing, while you intelligently do better things.
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See something, say something. I know that this is a pretty common saying in schools, and this is a little different than the ‘talk about it’ section i just mentioned above. The talk about it section is more about you opening up, and getting a little advice, whereas this one is more about you actively taking a step to intervene and put a stop to something that is happening. If property is being destroyed, people are getting hurt, laws are being broken, and serious things are happening that can harm individual people or your community, it’s time for you to find the right people and say something. Ambrose Redmoon wisely said, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear." Some things are bigger than you and I my friend. Remember that your honesty, your courage, your willingness to come forward will inspire people to respect you, and find ways to be helpful to you.
I really appreciate you asking the question. I can see the real dilemma here. You having to make a hard decision that could leave you alone for a while. Friendships matter so much at your age… honestly, they matter so much at every age. Having people on your corner. People who are loyal to you, who care for and love you. As a result, when things become a little sour, or people begin making choices that make you feel queasy or that you know just aren’t kind, good, and intelligent, taking a stand can be downright frightening. The possibility that you could be known as a tattle tail or a snitch, can seem like a socially unwise thing to do.
In the end, it comes down to you. I can’t rescue you from this choice… in fact I wouldn’t want to. You are the writer of your story, the captain of your soul, the creator of your destiny, and you have to decide. May I suggest that you make the choice that you would be proud of telling your own children in the future. Make the choice that your future spouse would think is honorable. Make the choice that your future self would thank you for.
There are no easy answers here… just hard, wise, and courageous choices, that I hope you can make. Little by little my friend. Let every situation prepare you for the next one. Let your good and poor choices, inspire you, and motivate you to do a little better next time. Best of luck to you and remember Professor Dumbledore’s famous words, "It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends." — J.K. Rowling
See you soon.