My friends, I hope this finds you smiling, treating yourself and others well. I hope your year has been good so far. And if not, let me help you to turn it around by learning to become a wiser, more intelligent communicator. My awesome people, I have been a therapist for over 20 years. I've worked with thousands of people and thousands of couples who come to me for relationship counseling. And do you want to know the number one reason, the number one thing they say they want to improve in their relationship? Yep, you guessed it. They want to know how to communicate better with each other. So save yourself the future therapy bill, the future relationship problems and listen up, because I'm about to drop some dynamite knowledge on you.
Whether you're here because of a school consequence or because you're just a sucker for goodness and awesomeness, honestly, it doesn't matter. What matters is that you leave here today with a simple idea tattooed in your mind and in your heart, and that idea is that the words you speak will become the house you live in. I know that's kind of deep, but you honestly need to know that your words create worlds.
The words you use shape your circumstances, how you see yourself and how others see you.
So today I'm going to show you how to take this incredible instrument-- your brain, your mouth, your heart, and tune it so that the words you speak can create a clear advantage for you and your life. Not because some adults said so, but because it will make your life better, your relationship stronger, and your future brighter. And just to make sure you and I are on the same page, when I say profanity, I'm talking about using swear words. I'm sure you're aware of them, so I don't need to clarify what they are for you.
And when I say inappropriate language, I'm talking about using language that is sexual, or texting words like “I'm going to kill myself,” or “go kill yourself,” or saying stuff that is disrespectful, demeaning, racist, offensive, or mean to others. I know that for some of you, this type of language may be pretty common, or that you're just playing around and having fun and that you don't really mean to hurt or harm other people.
Honestly, I believe you. I've made my share of mistakes just like you have. We all have blind spots. We're all a little ignorant, meaning that we sometimes just don't know what we don't know. So this short video is really meant to increase your awareness and intelligence so that you can lead with the best of you, and as a result, make things better for yourself and for others around you.
Before we get to some of these skills, can I suggest a couple of ideas for you to throw out? You're awesome. Here it goes.
Idea number one: I just talk like this. This is who I am, I can't change it. Come on, this isn't true. You're not powerless. You're powerful. That's a fixed mindset sneaking into your head. Your brain and your mouth can learn to do anything you consistently train them to do. This includes how you speak, the words you choose, and the tone you use. And that is absolutely true because it rhymes!
Idea number two to throw out. Everybody talks like this. It's no big deal. Here's the truth. It is a big deal. Remember the thousands of couples that I've met with, learning to communicate with a little discipline, right? And some skill is absolutely critical. Now, this doesn't have to do with whether you're a bad person or wrong, but because every time you use words, you're literally influencing your circumstances, the vibe around you, and either helping or making your situation worse.
People who use profanity, inappropriate language, demeaning words, or dark jokes all the time often don't even notice how that impacts others around them, how it changes how they feel about themselves, their relationships, or the circumstances around them. Yes, you are that powerful. I'm just hoping that you will use that power in a wise way that creates an advantage for you, instead of using that kind of language that will honestly just make life harder for you. And why would we purposefully make our own life more difficult?
All right. Let's get practical. I'm going to give you three skills to clean up your language, shift your habits, and upgrade how you communicate. These might feel a little uncomfortable at first, just like eating broccoli. But hey, no rain, no flowers, right?
Skill number one: time and place. Let me be honest. If it was up to me, I would love it if you would consider leveling up your language skills across the board. Whether you're talking to your parents, to your friends, to your teachers, whether you're at home, in the hallways of your school, or during a game or at your job. I think this would be your best and most intelligent option. But I also realize that the way you speak to your friends is likely pretty different from the way you speak to a parent, a teacher, an administrator, a boss, a coach.
And for now, this is a great place for you to start. I would like for you to realize that when you are having critical conversations with a parent, with a sibling, with a teacher, with a coach, with an administrator, you need to lock in. You need to focus up and bring your very best to the table. Using profanity is like throwing an emotional grenade at the other person. This often just provokes anger, defensiveness, and resistance, and in the end, it leads to poor outcomes. Please consider upgrading your communication skills across the board, but if not, be wise enough to recognize the times and the places where you will need to lead with the best of you.
Number two: words create worlds. I know I've already shared that quote with you earlier in the video, but I just want to make sure that I'm crystal clear here so that you can move forward in a powerful way with your eyes wide open. Here's the deal. Your words can either invite respect, or provoke disrespect. Invite kindness, or provoke rudeness. Invite understanding, or provoke judgment. Invite an open mind or provoke defensiveness. Invite peace or provoke a war. Basically, it's the law of the harvest, people. You reap what you sow, my hard rocking amigo. If you plant apples, you're going to get apples. If you plant disrespect and rudeness, you're most likely going to get disrespected and rudeness back. So use your language to create a world that's friendlier, fun, understanding, considerate, and respectful. And I promise you'll get more of that back. Remember this simple but powerful quote: “if you want it, give it.” Makes good sense, doesn't it?
Three: build a new habit with atomic power. My friends, if you really want to upgrade how you speak, it's not about being perfect. It's about building a new habit. One small choice at a time. There's this incredible book called Atomic Habits by James Clear. At some point in your life, you may want to pick that up. And he shares four simple steps that can help you create a new habit that will actually stick. For example, let's say you wanted to create a new habit to improve or level up your language. This is a great habit, by the way.
Step number one: make it obvious. Leave yourself little reminders, a sticky note on your mirror, or write on it with a dry erase marker or a phone lock on your screen that says speak like the person I want to become.
Step number two: make it attractive. My guess is that every single one of you listening to me right now wants to be liked, respected, accepted, and feel like you belong somewhere. Communicating better is a fabulous way to make this happen. Let that fuel keep you going.
Step number three: make it easy. Don't try to overhaul your whole vocabulary overnight. Start small. Pick a couple of settings, maybe at school with your family, with your teachers, and focus on using better words there first, and then grow on to the more difficult places.
Step number four: make it satisfying. When you catch yourself using positive, smart or respectful language. Give yourself a little hug or high five and tell yourself, man, that's what I'm talking about. That's who I am now and celebrate it.
Do you want to know, though, what the real secret is? Identity. You're not just quitting swearing because you got caught, or because you don't want to get in trouble, or because your parents want you to. You own it. This is your idea. You speak this way because it's intelligent, because you're choosing to become the kind of person that treats people with respect, that speaks to others in a smart and considerate way, that speaks intelligently, that builds bridges instead of blowing them up. Start there and that new habit will take root and even when you make mistakes, you can repair that mistake and go again and again.
My friends, this is possible. You're not stuck with the words you've been using. You're not stuck with the habits you've been practicing. You can absolutely shift, grow, and upgrade how you speak. Now go practice, experiment, stay humble, always. Be patient with yourself. And remember, you're learning to use one of the most powerful tools in the world. Your voice.
Use it to build, not destroy. And I'll talk to you soon. Bye.