Is there a nice way to say mean things?
Hello there, my extraordinary and hard working friend! I just love the questions that you ask our team on a daily basis, and I particularly liked this one. You asked, “Is there a nice way to say mean things?” Even though I wouldn’t particularly ask the question in the same way that you did, I love the honesty. In fact, I could ask a quick variation of that question, I would say, “Can I be honest and kind at the same time?” or even, “How can I be honest, without being mean?” I think these are key questions because in this life you are going to have so many critical conversations, and your ability, your skill (and it is a skill that we can practice by the way) to communicate in a way that is effective, clear, and productive is essential not just for your success in school and work, but perhaps even more importantly, in your personal relationships. This is a valid question, and one that I believe deserves some time and attention.
So let me begin by answering the question right away: Absolutely there is a way for you to be honest, and at the same time, for you to be respectful, kind, considerate, and honorable! I actually find that a lot of adults are not this way right now. A lot of adults, especially those who are in really visible positions, whether they be politics, or show business, or TV, or influence, I think are more in the business of hearing themselves talk, drawing attention to themselves, or going around picking fights, and creating drama. This isn’t everyone, I don’t want to stereotype and generalize, but I find that sometimes these individuals hide behind the excuse of “well, I’m just speaking what’s on my mind, or what I feel…” but honestly this is not a very reasonable explanation. Just because you think or feel something, just because you have an opinion, doesn’t mean that that opinion is accurate, true, or helpful.
Now I’ve been a therapist for 20 years. I’ve made a living out of speaking and using words. I’ve shared my opinions, beliefs, and observations millions of times, and I have some basic advice on how to do that in the best way. Because in the end, if I am going to share something with someone, I would like to at least increase the chances that it will be received well, and to do whatever I can to invite an open mind and an open heart. So how do we do this? Well, let’s get to those 5 tips:
Lead with humility. My awesome friends, I believe that this world needs a Humility Movement. I want to have a parade, I want to wave flags as well, but I want to do it in the name of humility. It’s important for you to express yourself, your ideas, your opinions, your requests, your honest statements in a humble way. Remember that just because you have an opinion, it doesn’t mean that it’s accurate, so present it with that in mind, right? You can do this by simply adding the expression “Look, it’s just my opinion” or “that’s how I’m seeing it” or, “I may not be right, but this is what it looks like to me” or even, I realize you may not think or feel the way that I do, but this is what I believe needs to be done.” Let me tell you why this matters so much. When you approach conversations from a place of humility, from a place of “I could be wrong and there’s a lot that I don’t know,” I believe that people are more receptive. I believe that their heart and mind become a little softer, and open, instead of closed and defensive. So if you’re looking to be honest with a friend, or a parent, or a sibling, lead with humility. Place your ego aside, and present your ideas in humble ways.
Check your tone and words. Look, there are words that we use that are straight up explosive and immediately place people on the defensive. If you approach people with your guns blazing, like a machine gun, chances are that that conversation is not going to be terribly effective. If you’re calling people names, and dropping f-bombs, just realize that those words don’t invite and promote a peaceful conversation, those are, like, “let’s have a war” words, and most likely that’s what you’re going to get. So instead of raising your voice, and throwing emotional grenades at the other person, do what you can to keep a calm and cool voice, and use words that are less likely to produce a fire storm. This is what’s called a soft start up, and it is one of the most important skills that you will learn as you work through some of the conflict and negotiations in your life.
Use a preface or an introduction. Do you know how at the beginning of books, you sometimes have an introduction or preface? You know, something that basically tells you what you’re about to read, well, If you’re about to have a difficult conversation, sometimes it’s really useful to prepare the other person. So if you want to have a difficult conversation with a parent, or sibling, or a friend, or your boyfriend or girlfriend, let them know. “Hey, I want to talk to you about something that’s important to me,” or “can we talk about something that’s hard for me a little later?” or “I have something important to talk to you about, when is it good for you?” I know these are my words, and I’m sure you’ll say it much better and in a cooler way, but trust me, this is an important step to help you to be honest, and for it to come across in a nice and respectful way. Plus, it sets the stage for it to be better, instead of ending up in a screaming match, or with hurt feelings.
Ask for permission: My goal is for you to become an extraordinary communicator. I believe that what you think and what you have to say is important, that’s why I’m giving you these tools, so that when you open your mouth, and express your thoughts and opinions, that they’ll be more likely to be heard and considered. A great way to keep people’s hearts and minds open to you, is to ask for permission to share an opinion or an observation. I remember once traveling to a soccer game with my boy, and me asking me, “Hey Jones (that’s what I call him), can I give you a suggestion for today’s game?” and guess what he said? That son of a gun, he said no! But you know what, I totally respected that, and by the way, guess what happened? He relented and said “alright Dad, what do you want to tell me?” and then I shared my thoughts with him. So if you have advice to give, or a suggestion that you want to share, or a hard conversation that needs to happen, ask for permission. Give it a try, and trust me.
Use the crap sandwich approach. I know that’s kind of gross, but just listen for a second. This is a common technique that a lot of people use, that I feel is something that you can begin to use right away in your life. If your goal is to be honest, and to do so in a respectful and effective way, then this is something that you can use anytime. The crap sandwich basically means that you start in a soft and respectful way, then give the advice, or suggestion, and feedback, and then finish with something else that is nice, complimentary, or even hopeful. Let me give you an example. “Leila, I love having you as a friend. You’ve been there for me, and honestly I’ve learned a lot from you, but lately (and here comes the crap, right?) you’ve ignored me and treated me like crap. I think you’re awesome, and I would love to stay friends. Is there something going on that I've done, or something that you feel is a problem? You can totally tell me, and be honest.” Start soft, give the feedback, and end soft. That's the sandwich. What do you think? Use it when it’s appropriate, but I feel it’s a good tool that you can use to be respectful and kind to others, instead of going around burning and lighting up bridges, right?
I’m glad you’re here. I’m telling you, most of the problems and issues that people face in relationships come down to communication, and more importantly miscommunication. There are many more skills that you can learn to say mean things, right, in a nice way, or how I would say it to be honest, in a kind and respectful way. Remember that your goal is not just to hear your own voice. It’s not just to speak what’s on your mind, but to do so, in a way that is effective, smart, and that can be received by others. Lead with humility. It begins with you. Set the tone for the conversation, and work hard to keep it respectful, kind, and understanding, and you’ll find yourself much more successful and honestly, much happier as well, because the quality of your relationships will go up. One last thing. If you have to leave a relationship, or a friendship, do things in a way that allows you to end those relationships with your heart, mind, and hands clean. The way that you do that, is by handling it with clarity and class. There is a great quote that says “clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” Step into these conversations when they are necessary, and use these tools. Let us know how it goes for you, and please feel free to share this with your friends, fam, etc., and let’s have you lead in this humility movement!
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Reflect, Write, Quiz Use the prompts and text box below to capture your thoughts about "Is there a nice way to say mean things?"
Remember, it's okay if we don't have all the answers. The purpose of this activity is to explore different perspectives. It's about developing resilience and emotional strength, and understanding that we can grow and evolve from every experience, good or bad.
1. What new thing did you learn?
2. Can you identify a time when you could have asked for permission before sharing your opinion? How do you think the conversation would have changed if you had asked for permission?
3. Based on your reflection, what are your next steps?
Quiz 1. What is one suggested way to present your opinion humbly?
'It’s just my opinion, but this is how I see it.'
'I know I'm right, so listen up.'
'You’re wrong, and here’s why.'
'Only a fool would disagree with me.'
2. What is the purpose of a 'soft start-up' in communication?
To immediately escalate the conversation into an argument.
To avoid saying anything difficult at all.
To make sure your point is heard loudly and forcefully.
To keep the tone calm and avoid triggering defensiveness.
3. What does the 'crap sandwich' technique involve?
Starting and ending with criticism, with no positive feedback.
Starting with kindness, giving feedback, and ending with kindness
Avoiding honesty altogether to prevent hurt feelings.
Only giving compliments without any constructive criticism.
4. Why is asking for permission before giving advice helpful?
It guarantees the other person will agree with you.
It makes the conversation one-sided.
It keeps the other person’s mind open to your input.
It delays the conversation indefinitely.
5. What is a key benefit of leading with humility in communication?
It ensures you always win arguments.
It prevents the other person from responding.
It allows you to dominate the conversation.
It makes people more receptive and less defensive.
6. What does the article suggest about tone and word choice?
Harsh words and explosive language help get your point across.
Keeping a calm voice and avoiding inflammatory words promotes better conversations.
The louder you speak, the more persuasive you become.
Swearing makes your argument more convincing.
7. What is one way to prepare someone for a difficult conversation?
Surprise them with criticism when they least expect it.
Avoid the topic entirely to prevent conflict.
Let them know you want to talk to them about something important later.
Send an anonymous message to avoid confrontation.
8. In the context of the video/article, what is a common problem with how some adults in media communicate?
They prioritize hearing themselves talk over effective communication.
They speak too softly and don't look at the camera.
They don't show up on time to interviews which makes the crew upset.
They never share their true feelings and only care about advertisers' money.
9. What does the phrase 'clear is kind, unclear is unkind' mean?
Being vague helps prevent hurt feelings.
It’s better to lie than to risk offending someone.
Direct and honest communication is more respectful than avoiding the truth.
Only give feedback if the other person insists.
10. What is the main goal of effective communication?
To express opinions in a way that can be received well.
To always win arguments.
To avoid difficult conversations entirely.
To make sure only your voice is heard.
