Loss and Grief

Loss and Grief

Hello there my awesome friend, I hope this finds you well and thriving wherever you may be.  Many of you incredible students have had to deal with loss and grief at a young age, and as a result you have asked me to record a podcast about how to best deal with losing someone you love, or someone that was a friend, or even someone at school.  What can we expect when we lose people we love and care for, and how do we deal with the hurt and grief that often follows.  

I hope it’s ok for me to share a quick and personal experience from my own life that perhaps can lead us into this discussion.  I lost my dad a few years ago.  I admit that I was not very close to my father.  I had been as a child, and loved him dearly, but since the divorce of my parents which happened when i was about 11 years old, my relationship with my father was at best distant.  Unfortunately, my dad was someone that I was kind and respectful to, but not someone that was in my circle of trust… someone I would go to for advice or for me to speak about life.  I’m sad that it was that way, and I have some regrets about that for sure.  After the divorce, I moved to America - for those of you who don’t know, i’m from Portugal, and that distance certainly didn’t facilitate me fixing that relationship.  I would see my dad here and there throughout the years, and then 4 years ago, my brother (who is still living in Portugal) called me and said that my dad was dying and that it likely wouldn’t be long.  So my wife and I decided to quickly get on a plane, travel to Portugal, and say goodbye to my dad.  He was mentally aware some of the time, and other times he was not.  He could barely speak, and was physically in bad shape.  Those few days that I spent with my father were… well… unique.  I’m fairly aware of what’s going on inside my body and mind, and there was a mixture of feelings, all the way from regret, shame, anger, sadness, doubt, feelings of helplessness, happiness, relief, forgiveness, harmony, and gratitude.  All of these feelings passed through and over me during those days, and in the days after.  My father died the day that my wife and I flew back to the US.  Since then, and on the anniversary of my father’s passing (April 1st), my dear wife brings me a plant to commemorate that memory and the life of my father.  This is a key step that i’ll talk about later, but as you can see, women are just incredible, and my awesome wife has rescued me and helped me from many a situation, but honestly, women have been doing that to men for millenia.  I’m telling you this because there are several key pieces in this story, that I believe can be a benefit to you, and that can help your mind to have a healthy expectation of what can happen, and what you can do about it.  I believe that a correct expectation of things, can minimize the negative impacts and the length of those negative impacts upon your life.

1-Expect to experience a wide range of emotion.  All the way from disbelief, anger, sadness, fear, shame, regret, happiness, impatience, gratitude, numbness, bitterness, anxiety, hopelessness, helplessness, despair, in addition It can also involve physical symptoms such as fatigue, changes in appetite, and difficulty sleeping… i think you get the idea.  Just imagine that your emotions represent a piano keyboard, and when someone is dying or you’re grieving… there is a wide range of emotions that can and will show up.  This doesn’t mean that you’re doing it wrong, or that it’s bad, or good, or weird… it just is… listen, it just is.  So when you experience the full breadth of emotion in your life, and you feel out of control, I want you to simply say “hey, this is expected… i’m not a robot or a computer… life is complex, and so are my feelings, and so are circumstances.”  So ease up on the negative judgments, and let the tide of emotions swell up, knowing that this IS what is supposed to happen.

2-Whatever timelines you have about or surrounding losing someone you know, or grieving… throw them away.  I don’t know where we pick up all of our crappy psychology and crazy ideas, but we do, and if you happen to have an idea inside your head that likes everything to fit nicely into a timeline… do me, others, and yourself a favor, and drop that faulty and ineffective idea.  Grieving and and loss always take time… whatever time… a day, a week, a month, a year, several years.  I think we naturally want to suffer less and want others to suffer less, and in fact, when we stop resisting what is happening, and realize that it’s a normal part of our lives, we actually will suffer less.  So be gentle with yourself and others about timelines.  You may be doing well, and then not well.  You may have a great year, and then an exhausting and challenging month filled with sadness and thoughts about the one you lost… this is not a step back… this doesn’t mean that you were doing good and now you’re not… this just means that you are still and will likely be impacted by the grief in your life for a long time… so drop the time lines, take things as they come, and do what works that day to either take some time to remember and honor that person, or to continue onward in an honorable and awesome way.  Remember that grief is not a one-time event.

3-A common misconception is that Grief is best kept private: Remember that talking about your grief can be healing and can help you to process your feelings and find support.  This can be done with family, friends, co-workers, and other awesome people that happen to be a part of your life.  There is a magical and healing power that occurs in our lives when we are able to speak through… or write through some of the challenges of our life.  Poets, writers, and normal folk have written their way through grief, it works, so perhaps try that as well.  Sharing your grief with others can be a helpful way to cope with the loss.

4-Another thinking error is that You should "move on" from your grief: Grief is not something that one can simply move on from. It's a process that takes time and that may never be completely resolved. Instead, the goal is to learn to live with the loss, to continue on, to honor that individual, and to find a way to include the person or thing that has been lost in your ongoing life.

So now that you know what to expect and not expect, the next question is what can you do, and here I just want to give you some ideas… and I know that there are many ideas, but these are some that in my 20 years of experience counseling individuals through loss and grief, have been the most successful.  

1-Allow yourself to feel and express your emotions.  Whether that’s going to a grave site, or going through letters, or emails, or pictures, or memories, exposing yourself to the grief and allowing it to happen, actually allows you to grieve in a healthier way.  I’ve found that ‘what we resist persists’, so it’s possible that what we ‘accept becomes less impactful.”

2-Talking to someone:  I now this is pretty basic, but my goodness, please find someone to speak to about these things. Loss can be traumatic, and talking through it allows the trauma to be put together in a healthier and meaningful way.  If you’re going through a grieving period right now, who would you be willing to go to?  Is it a family member, a friend, a religious friend, a co-worker, a counselor, whoever it is, find that person, and open up a bit

3-Finding support: If you are finding that you’re grief is persisting and impacting your day to day ability to function at school, or work, or with your family, please consider that you may need a little extra help… please consider the idea that you don’t have to suffer endlessly, and studies and research have shown that when we find support, our suffering lessens, and our ability to endure difficulty is enhanced.  

4-Taking care of yourself: Once again i know that this is basic, but it’s also foundational.  Take a shower in the morning and be ready for the day.  Do what you can to eat a healthy meal.  Get out and MOVE… you got to move that body and feed it energy and health.  Do what you can to sleep, or even power nap through the days… remember simple things, but important ones, please take care of them.  Make sure to take care of your physical and emotional well-being by eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising.

5-Honor that individual by continuing on, and living a life that is meaningful for you.  Accepting and finding harmony with that loss, involves the ability to live and give to life.  It means to love again, to continue and pursue things that are valuable to you and to the ones around you.  This doesn't mean that you forget the person or thing you lost, just that you learn to live with the loss and the love you had for them.  This means that you must write goals again, that you must create objectives and things for you to pursue, things that will bring meaning, passion, and adventure back into your life. This means that we must be daring enough to go forward into Dare greatly again, with the realization that this is not meaningless suffering, but that this experience ultimately leads to your spiritual and mental revolution, that this situation contributes to a powerful experience, that ultimately enhances your ability to be truly compassionate in this life… No experience need to be wasted, And so this is what you will ultimately do, you will take this experience, and with patience, and in a nurturing way, care for your mind, your body, your spirit, and your relationships, so that someday, you can look to this experience And with a mixture of gratitude and sadness, you will find wholeness, and harmony, instead of bitterness, and anger. And others have done this, thousands of others, millions of others, and you will, too.

I hope these steps have been helpful, and can act as sign posts for you, as a way for you to check yourself and to know whether things are flowing in a positive way.  Remember that there is a little bit of a roller coaster like experience here, but if you can see yourself moving in that general direction, then you know that you are moving forward in a generally healthy way.  If you find yourself out of control a lot of the time, and it’s not getting better, then perhaps we can consider adding a counselor, a therapist, a book, or some other tools that help you to regain some perspective and motivation, and keep moving forward towards a peaceful acceptance of life and death.  Thank you so much.  Please feel free to share this with anyone that you feel may benefit from this short podcast. 

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