My parents are fighting. What can I do?

My parents are fighting. What can I do?

My friend I’m proud and impressed with you.  You desire to enhance your perspective and your search to deal with life in a wiser way is just plain awesome!  Thank you for being here, and good on you for investing in your personal psychology.  Your question this week is all about figuring out what to do when your parents are fighting, and what you can do about it.  Know that you are certainly not the only one who is dealing with this… and the stress, sadness, and frustration that this can cause to you, as a teen in your home, dealing with parents who are disagreeing and trying to make their way through the challenges and stresses of life.  This is a personal issue for me, in part because I experienced this as a child, watching my own parents fight, berate, threaten, and ultimately divorcing at about the age of 11.

I admit that was a pretty surreal moment for me.  My mind was almost blank, I felt numb, unsure what to do, and uncertain about what would happen to our family.  But, as we always do, and as you always will do as well, you will move forward, managing what is within your control, what is within your reach, lifting and assisting where you can, and sometimes focusing even more tightly on the things that really matter in this life.  My friend, this podcast is for you if your parents are struggling, disagreeing, fighting, or separated and dealing with that challenge as well.  Your question is a good one… what can you do, and today I’ll give you some specifics about what you can do, and where to focus your efforts and your hopes.  First though, i want to speak about conflict and relationships for a short moment.  I want you to know that relationships can be beautiful, motivating, places of safety, a refuge from the stress and challenge of the world, they can be a place where you feel loved, cared for, listened to, and understood… relationships can literally help us to live longer and happier lives.  Seek for relationships like this… regardless of how you feel about yourself as a person, or what you think you deserve, please be patient and pick excellent relationships, and more importantly, be someone awesome in and out of relationships.  Successful relationships are truly the pinnacle of maturity, in part because relationships will always demand the very best from us… relationships will force us to see beyond ourselves, our needs, our wants, our desires, and instead to focus on feeding and nurturing the other, and the relationship… think of it like the fellowship of the ring… loyal, standing with one another, working through conflicts and disagreements, but continuing on, despite those difficult moments. 

Conflict my friends isn’t just inescapable, it’s possible that it is essential!  We are just too different as people.  We don’t agree, we don’t see things the same, we don’t believe the same way, and some of the differences that you hear your parents fighting about will never quite resolve themselves.  Now I know that these are hard moments for you as a teen and adolescent… they were incredibly hard for me… I think I just felt unsteady and afraid, and incredibly sad to hear my parents argue in the way they did.  But I also saw them repair, try to fix things, come back to one another, and that is a beautiful thing as well.  I know it’s awkward… but you can do awkward.  I know it’s hard… but you can do hard.  I know it’s sad and at times disappointing… but you can handle disappointment. 

So hear me out… listen and learn my friend, because sometimes we learn from the incredibly good example of others, and sometimes we learn just as much from the hardship and the failure of others… so keep your eyes open, and learn… be better, be wiser, be more understanding, and do better than your parents, because honestly that’s exactly what they want for you… they want you to be better than they are… that’s what I hope for my own children.

So #1, when you hear your parents argue, realize that this is part of their process in the relationship.  It’s part of their dance to figure out what works, what they’ll do together, how they’ll negotiate, and how they will live with the differences that they deal with all of the time.  As hard as it is for you to hear it… give them some leeway, some grace, some trust and hope that they can work through things.  Realize that relationships come together, and then they may need some space, and then they will come together again as people humble themselves, and hopefully grow closer and wiser.

-#2, Do what you can to simplify things at home.  You are not the cause of your parent’s disagreement… that’s their thing to figure out, but we all contribute and bring something to every situation, so your job is to make things a bit simpler for them… here are some simple things you can do… there are the things you have power over:

• Be Helpful in your house, keep your room clean, help out to keep things clean in your home.

• Be kind to them and to your siblings.  Remember that even though you may not be able to resolve your parents problems, your influence can be felt… your influence can always be felt… so swing that powerful influence that you carry within you.  

• Stay focused on your studies, work, and other activities or responsibilities that you are taking on.  You can’t fix their life, but man, you can build yours, and make yours a bit better.  So use that nervous energy, that fear, that anger, that frustration, and sink it, or aim it toward school, your friendships, reading, writing, new skills… build a lovelier you.

#3, Build your relationship with each individual parent.  Take a moment to offer support… i cannot emphasize this enough… you can alter someone’s day with one word, with one hug, with one kiss, with one gentle act, with a thankful word, with a kind act of service.  This is not easy to do.  You may be angry with one parent or even both parents… but start small, and take time to be a light and a source of positivity in their life.  I’m not just telling you this to better their lives, but honestly, this will better your life.

#4, Invest in your other networks in your life.  Friends, teachers, counselors, principals, religious leaders, coaches, grandparents, aunts and uncles, do what you can to invest in these people and relationships and never stop, regardless of how many times you get rejected… keep going.

#5, If you are gutsy enough, talk to one or both of your parents.  Write them an email… send them a text, leave them a note, and tell them something like “Mom and Dad, when you fight it makes me incredibly sad, or nervous, or frustrated… whatever word you would like to fit there, and maybe make a request… can you please stop, or deal with your disagreements in a better way, or maybe consider getting some help.”  Trust me my friend… even though you cannot stop these things, your words and actions carry weight… use it.  

#6, Don’t give up on your parents.  Instead of looking at them with contempt and bitterness, may I suggest that you look at them with compassion, and mercy.  I promise fighting is not a happy thing for them either.  I know that parents ought to know better, or should act better, or should be more mature, or handle conflict better, but honestly sometimes we don’t.  In fact sometimes we are straight up immature, stubborn, inflexible, and selfish.  Sometimes your parents are completely under water, overwhelmed, stressed with the pressures of life, and supporting a household, while dealing with their own fears and insecurities.  Be patient with them while they themselves are figuring out their lives.

My amazing friend, even though as a rule I would always counsel you to give people a break, and to come from a place of love, patience, understanding, and compassion, I want you to know that if abuse is happening in your home to you your parents, that there is help for you.  There are some things in life that need courage and some intervention, and this is one of those cases.  Please speak to another adult in your life, or call or text the 988 number and they can help you with these questions… in fact you can text us as well, we can help you to deal with these challenging situations.  Now go, and be the good… be the light… be the hope… start small, start with what you can control, and give people grace and room to grow.  Be well my friend… you’re not alone… others have gone before and have grown in wisdom, you will too.  Best of luck to you.

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