What if I'm the bully?

What if I'm the bully?

Hello my awesome friends, honestly, is there anything better than hanging with teens and young adults? I love it, so thanks for being here with me today. I know that sometimes your kind can be a little rough around the edges, a little judgy, and at times even a little mean, but even then, even in the midst of our mistakes, I believe that the good... the awesomeness... the love that is in us... that is most absolutely in you, even if it's taking a nap at the moment, is so much greater than our rudeness, and our fear, and some of our lack of experience. So a little while ago, I released a video and podcast about what to do if you're being bullied, and several of you actually responded back and asked the question, "What if I'm the bully?" which by the way is just absolutely awesome. Your willingness to take a look in is sheer brilliance. Humility and wisdom are such attractive values and principles, I hope all of you have a desire to nurture those inside of you. My friends, your ability to look inside of you is called insight, and/or awareness, and as you continue to evolve through your adolescent years, you will become better and better at this skill of being able to see yourself, your behaviors, your thoughts and your feelings... a really fancy word for this, by the way, is Metacognition... seriously take that word home and impress your parents and older siblings with it. Insight, awareness, and metacognition is awesome because it gives power and the ability to make improvements, simply because you are able to see and understand a little bit more about yourself. Anyways, sorry for getting side tracked, but again, love love love that you are willing to admit that you may be engaged in some of these behaviors yourself. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to quickly raise your ability to see what these behaviors look like, then I'm going to give you some reasons for why you're doing them, and lastly, i'll give you some pro-tips on what you can do instead! You ready? Let's goooo!

First I think it's important for you to recognize the four types of bullying. There's physical, social, verbal, and cyber bullying.

Physical bullying or harassment is anytime that you hit, push, grab, or hold someone against their will. This is also includes threatening to hit or beat someone up. Bullying is usually defined as something that happens repeatedly, but even if you are doing this to other people one or two times, it's still unkind, rude, and a form of harassment.

Social bullying is anytime that you join with other people to spread gossip, lies, or anything that is disrespectful, demeaning, or just straight up mean. I sometimes call this 'building armies,' meaning that we sometimes join others and 'build an army' against others. In talking to other Principals and School Counselors throughout the country, this is the most common form of bullying that is happening throughout the country.

Verbal bullying is anytime that you repeatedly swear at, call names, or use disrespectful language toward another person, and they don't like it, nor do they want it. In other words this is being verbally abusive, and honestly, it's not a cool, or intelligent thing to do.

The last kind of bullying is cyberbullying, and basically anytime that you use text, social media, group texting, or any other form of electronic communication to build armies against others, or to be verbally abusive to them, or to threaten someone, you have now become involved in cyberbullying.

So if you are involved in this, why are you doing it? Let me give you a few reasons, and maybe you'll be able to see yourself in some of these behaviors. By the way, I'll be honest here and admit that I've been engaged in some of these behaviors myself. In my own youth, I was both someone who was bullied, and that harassed others as well. So let's learn wisdom, and do a little better. Ok, so why are you doing this?

• Because it feels good: In some way, when we are unkind, or mean, or demeaning to others, it feels good. You may feel kind of powerful when people are afraid of you. You may feel cool in front of others, by showing that you're stronger, or rude, or that you can be tougher than them. When you join others, and speak badly of others, you may even feel closer to your friends... like you're being loyal to them, while you are being rude and mean to the other people. I mean, think of it like sports. When you go to a football game, or a basketball game, it's not enough for you to just cheer for your team, you cheer against the other team, and that can feel like you are building your loyalty with your peers and the other fans. I think it's important for you to realize what motivates you to continue doing what you're doing. My hope, by the way, is that by recognizing this, you may choose a higher way of building loyalty, friendship, and feeling good about yourself.
• You justify or rationalize your behavior: Ok, i know that sounds a little intense, but let me briefly explain. Whenever we do something, our brain goes to work and gives us reasons for why we did that something. These usually sound like excuses, but in the psychology world, we call this justifying or rationalizing our behavior. The basic problem with doing this, is that we end up convincing ourselves to continue doing what we're doing. These are called thinking errors, or thinking distortions. It sounds something like this: "I would be nice to them, but they're just so stupid," or "they're not nice to me," or "they're so annoying," or of course the most classic answer "they started it," These next examples are all types of justification and rationalizations. Keep your ears open, and see if some of these sound familiar to you.
• You think the other person deserves it: Maybe that person broke up with your best friend, or was rude to someone else, or dresses different than you, or believes differently than you, or is too happy, too sad, too tall, too short, too skinny, belongs to that group (the jocks, or orchestra, or choir, or drama club, or cheer squad... whatever group it is) or just lives their life differently than you. In some way, you feel justified, because you've convinced yourself that that person deserves what's coming to them.
• You think you're just having fun: Remember how I said that sometimes we are mean and bullying someone, and we may not even fully realize it? Well, I think sometimes bullies just think that they're having fun. They may even think to themselves that this is normal, and it's just what people do. I'm just having fun, I'm not really hurting anyone, and deep down, that other person knows it too. Often times, we use these next two reasons to further justify or rationalize what we are doing...
• The other person is too sensitive: Instead of taking a good look inside of us, we blame the other person. We accuse them of taking things too seriously, or being too sensitive, or not knowing how to take a joke or sarcasm. Another one that we use is, believing that...
• It's not that bad: We tell ourselves that our actions, rudeness, or harassment just aren't that bad. We compare ourselves with other things that we have seen or heard, and tell ourselves a story, that it's not a big deal. Once again, we often blame the other person, that they're making a big deal out of it. In other words, we feel that we are the victim here, and that this other person is just taking things way out of proportion.

So... what do you think? Have you ever used some of those reasons in your own life? My guess, is that you have. You're human just like me, and as a result, you make excuses, you justify, rationalize, and come up with reasons for why you're in the right, and why others are in the wrong. Listen, that's why i'm talking about it. I'm not angry with you, I just want to raise your game, your intelligence, your coolness, your success, and ultimately your happiness and relationships. We can all do so much better. Let's begin here today. I'm not calling for perfection, what I'm asking you to do, is to open your eyes, stop blaming other people, stop telling yourself that when you're being rude, mean, harmful, or abusive to others, that it's not a big deal, and instead... right here, right now, let's elevate your awesomeness and do a little better, and as a result, bring yourself and others around you, more joy, happiness, and great times. Do you want to know what you can do? What if you and I... right now... make a change, because you're intelligent, and wiser, why don't we make a commitment to do these 3 things:

1. Only Positive Gossip. Out of that lovely mouth of yours, instead of knives, rocks, and other instruments of war, instead, make a commitment here, between you and I, decide that you will not engage in any kind of language that demeans, hurts, or is rude to others. Instead, make a promise that you will speak positively of others. Instead of rudeness, kindness. Instead of demeaning language, elevating language. Instead of hurtful language, use compliments instead. Instead of going around throwing emotional grenades at people, bring fun, light, and friendliness with you, and sprinkle it, like you would sugar on cereal.
2. Be Altruistic. It's awesome to not be a bully, mean, or to harass others, but I hope that you will want to move the other way as well. I don't want you to just play defense, or to be neutral and passive, I want you to play offense, and make the world around you a little better. Being altruistic, simply means to do good to others. Be generous. Be grateful to people. Help them. Laugh at their dumb jokes. Give of yourself, and give to them. Let me tell you something. The absolute quickest way for you to boost your mood... to increase your happiness, is to turn your focus and to help others around you. The data constantly shows that this is true. So this year, and from this time forward, invest in this awesome characteristic, that will have a tremendous impact in your school life, work, friendships, and success. Facts my friend, facts!
3. Be A Hotspot. You know what I'm talking about! My friend, you have influence in this world! What you do matters! The words you use matter! The attitude you bring into any situation, not only colors that experience for you, but it also does the same for others around you. Be a hotspot for hope, optimism, friendliness, fun, and understanding. Ease up on your negative judgments of others, and instead learn to judge others in a more patient, compassionate, and understanding way. This is a sign of wisdom, and intelligence. The great leaders of this world... people that we have looked up to... that have become models for humanity, have all done this, and let's be clear, you can too. From Mother Theresa, to Martin Luther King, to Ghandi, to the Buddha, to Jesus, and to countless others who decide to see people and the world in a kinder way, it all begins with a decision to be a giver in this world, instead of a taker. Don't be a taker! Be a giver! Be a hotspot for adventure, for courage, for love, and for positivity... man this world needs a dose of positivity, and I believe that you are just the one to give it. What say you?

Alright, I feel like I'm preaching a little bit, so I better stop. My friend, if you have found yourself harassing others, or bullying others, or mistreating others, just stop. Worry less about where you've been, and instead, pick up from where you are right now, and move forward. When mistakes happen, instead of blaming others, and coming up with all sorts of excuses for why you did what you did, how about you use a little courage, and just own it, and move forward already. Be great now. Move forward today, with a little confidence, instead of worrying about all of your mistakes, or silly things that you've done. Now get out there, and send it!

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