Why do I feel lonely?
You incredible person, I just can’t say enough about you, your questions, and your desire to seek and find answers, and for some of you, perhaps you’re just looking for ways to encourage and help a friend who may be feeling disconnected or lonely. I love your idealism, and your natural tendency to be loyal and help those around you. Your question this week is one that we hear a lot from students throughout the country, and one that is getting a lot of attention throughout the nation. You’re asking “Why Do I Feel So Lonely, and What Can I Do Differently?”
I’ve read articles, listened to podcasts, and read reports about what people are calling an epidemic of loneliness with adults and adolescents feeling alone and isolated. Well, I’m glad that you’re here, because you’re part of the solution my friend, and I’m going to give you some tips, to help you be part of the revolution that brings people together. I don’t know if you remember COVID… you know, the global pandemic… but there were signs everywhere reminding people to socially distance, right? Making sure that we weren’t too close to one another… well fortunately, those days are passing, and now instead of practicing social distancing, I want you to practice something different, in fact I want you to practice social gathering… that’s the revolution that I want you to begin and join wherever you are. You in? My mission for you… should you choose to accept it of course, is to not only socially gather, but also to be a hotspot, where others can gather!
Listen to me, the greatest predictor of short and long term happiness in your present and future life are good and positive relationships, and my hope is that instead of waiting for those to just come and land on your lap, is that you’ll be wise enough… courageous enough… and willing to walk out into the world, with your head up, with your heart open, and with your hands willing to receive and invite people into your circle. The world needs you… for real! Don’t worry about feeling weird or awkward… honestly those things don’t matter as much as you think they do, instead focus on planting yourself in the right places, doing the right things, with good people like you, who are also looking for friendship. Listen, I know that your fears hold you back, just like they held me back as well, but the truth is that 90% of the other teens around you are all looking for the same thing you are… they’re all looking for good people, that like them, that are friendly, fun, and understanding… do you hear me right now?... everyone around you is looking for the same thing you are! So don’t lock yourself in a mind prison, where you believe that everyone around you already has their friend group; or where you believe that no one gets you; or where you believe that you’re just going to get hurt again; or where you just believe that it’s not going to work out! Get your mind and your body, and your spirit out of that prison, and get out into life! Happiness, growth, cool memories, and fun times are outside, not in there. I know it’s risky… i get it, but honestly this is the most intelligent and sensible choice for you. So wherever you are this year; whatever you circumstances; whatever your history with people and relationships, do yourself a solid favor, and create an objective in your mind that says “I’m going to look for friends, and work to be a better friend myself forever, and ever, and ever, no matter what… because it is wise and intelligent!”
I’m not trying to say that you can’t ever have alone time, or time away from people where you read, or game, or study, or watch a movie, or just chill with your music, or play an instrument, or go to the gym, or go for a hike or a run, or write some poetry, or a story, or paint, or draw… I’m not afraid of being alone, and I don’t want you to be afraid either… in fact I want you to cherish those moments as well, and the peace, fun, and creativity that those moments can create… keep your moments of solitude, but get yourself out there and build a network, cause you are going to need it. Remember that these are skills! Building a social network is a skill and it takes time so be patient. Being a great friend is a skill. Telling a joke, or working on your people skills… is a skill, something you can work on and get better and better at. So stop selling yourself the idea that it just isn’t for you. I’m not suggesting that you become the same as others, I want you to do it your way, with your own style, in a way that’s unique to you… but my friend, let’s learn to connect, and to be a relationship master. I know that sometimes you will be rejected, or dismissed, or that your heart will break a little, or that people may gossip about you… you’re going to have to walk through that valley, that’s just how it is, but you need to get back up, and climb again. Wow, that was a little intense hum?
Ok, can we turn the page, and talk about some quick tips to help you deal with feelings of loneliness, and also with some quick ideas that you can put into practice right away! Let’s goo!
Remember that feelings are signals: similar to the lights on a car dashboard, or the notifications on your phone, your emotions are signaling you to do something. So for example, the emotion of fear, is a signal to “get ready” or for you to “prepare” or even for you to “be watchful or to focus up.” What do you think the feeling of loneliness is signaling you to do? Yeah… feelings of loneliness are letting you know that it’s time to shift your efforts and energy to connecting with others. This can be your brother, or sister, or mom or dad, or cousins, or teachers, or friends, or coaches, or teammates, or classmates. Remember that relationships require time, effort, attention, like a garden, or any skill or hobby you wish to get good at, so be patient. One more thing, feelings of loneliness don’t mean that life sucks, or that you’re worthless, or that no one likes, or that things will never work out, or that people are horrible, or that no one gets you and they never will… your feelings simply mean… “hey, it’s time to do something that will help you to build and nourish some relationships.” I hope this is making some awesome sense to you.
Stop hiding: Connected to the idea of taking action, is my suggestion for you to stop hiding, to get out in the open, to get outside, and to get around others. There is now a good chunk of data and research that shows that screen time is not good connecting time, in fact there is some interesting data that connects these high levels of loneliness, to people’s use of their cell phone. Look, let’s be real… how many times do you dive into your phone when other people are around? When you’re in a situation that’s a little uncomfortable? When you’re around people you don’t know? When you’re walking down the halls of your school? Or at an event? Or when you’re bored? There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that cell phones can become an avoidance mechanism, or like a little pacifier or binky for a baby. The moment that child begins to cry, we put that binky or pacifier in their mouth, so they feel a little better… I think phones have become a little of that for us. I know… I know that phones are awesome, and give us so many awesome things, but I also see people literally enter their phones, and it’s like they’ve slipped into some multiverse, and they’re no longer there… because they’re elsewhere, and when you’re elsewhere, how will you ever enjoy where you are, and connect to the people around you. So whether you’re hiding in your room, or behind a book, or inside the multiverse of your phone, come out of hiding, listen to your emotional signals, and connect. What do you think? Anyways, It’s your life my friend, I just want to present a reasonable argument for you to consider.
Think simple and start small: Remember that small choices can lead to big outcomes, so start where you are, use what you have, and build from there. I’m talking about taking small steps that will help you to connect to the people, places, and things where you are. Here are some ideas to help you connect to others around you:
Do something good for someone else. There is good evidence that shows that the quickest way to get you feeling better, is for you to help someone, or to contribute to something around you, and that’s why I’m putting this as the first idea. Trust me, plus, this is a great way for you to connect to others.
If you’re at your house, get out of your room, and go where other people are. Start a conversation, ask some questions, and offer to help. I did a podcast about how to start conversation and keep them going, go listen to that podcast for some extra tips.
If you’re at school, lift up your eyes from your phone, and give someone a nice, crisp high-five… man, when was the last time you gave someone a really nice high-five? Get to it! Or a hug, or a bro-hug. Smile at people, wave at them, give them the ‘head nod’ right… you know what i’m talking about right? Where you just tilt your head up when you pass someone and say something brilliant like… “HEY.” The key here is to get your “I’m a friendly, cool, and approachable person” VIBE, and send it out into the world. Remember that smiling is an act of courage, and is a positive step toward connecting. Connect with your classmates, your teachers - your teachers would love a kind and friendly comment from you - so don’t be afraid to do a good thing.
Send out a text or call someone. At least open the door right? This won’t always work, sometimes people are hanging out elsewhere, or busy, or whatever, but at least give yourself the chance to succeed.
If you do happen to go to social media, go there to connect, to comment, to engage with people who are around you, instead of just scrolling through that never ending universe of other people’s lives and what they’re doing. This isn’t my favorite option, but if you’re going to use, then use it as an instrument to help you connect with others. In all of your interactions online, my dear friends, be respectful, be kind, and for heaven sakes be smart. Never, ever, ever send anything that is inappropriate or that you would be embarrassed to have your parents or good friends see, no matter what. Don’t fall for that trap.
And lastly, use your alone and solitary time wisely: Look, you’re going to be alone a lot in your life. I believe that this is actually a critical and important time. The greatest people in history, the great thinkers, philosophers, artists, and people who have changed the course of humanity, deliberately sought out time alone. Time where they could think for themselves. Time where they could get some clarity, or even consider the direction of their lives. Remember that you are not meant to be just a reflection of other people’s ideas or their behavior… you are here to create, and to bring your special brand to the world. So when you find yourself alone, invest in hobbies and interests that help you to bring beauty, creativity, and awesomeness to the world. Don’t just fill your alone time with entertainment, or other people’s youtube’s or stories, or whatever else. I know that that sometimes can be inspiring, and if so, go for it… but remember, life isn’t all about eating popcorn, no matter how awesome and tasty popcorn is, you have to fill your life with stuff that carries some substance, power, and nutrition. Don’t be afraid of your alone time, instead, be wise and use those times in ways that will build your body, your mind, and your spirit.
Well… thanks for your brilliant question. I hope these ideas can help you to listen to your emotional signals with a better and more inspiring perspective, that will ultimately motivate you to move forward, instead of hiding out, or being paralyzed by your fear. Let’s go connect people! See you soon.
Next
Reflect, Write, Quiz Use the prompts and text box below to capture your thoughts about "Why do I feel lonely?"
Remember, it's okay if we don't have all the answers. The purpose of this activity is to explore different perspectives. It's about developing resilience and emotional strength, and understanding that we can grow and evolve from every experience, good or bad.
1. What new thing did you learn?
2. In what ways have you found yourself 'hiding', either physically or in the 'multiverse' of your phone? How can you challenge yourself to come out of hiding and engage more with the world around you?
3. Based on your reflection, what are your next steps?
Quiz 1. What does the video suggest loneliness is signaling you to do?
It's signaling you to shut down and isolate.
It's signaling you to shift your efforts and energy to connecting with others.
It's signaling you that life is terrible and nothing will ever get better.
It's signaling you to focus on your own needs and ignore others.
2. What does the video suggest about cell phones and social connection?
Cell phones are the best way to connect with others.
Cell phones can become an avoidance mechanism, preventing real-life connections.
Cell phones have no impact on our social connections.
Cell phones should be completely avoided.
3. What does the video mean by 'think simple and start small'?
Make simple, small actions that help you connect with people around you.
Don't bother with big, complicated plans for social connection.
Keep your social circle small and simple.
Only do simple things, avoid anything complicated or challenging.
4. What does the video suggest about making friends at school?
You should never speak to anybody at school.
School is only about academics.
If someone makes eye contact with you, look away.
Lift your eyes up and give someone a high five or say hi.
5. What is one of the video's suggestions for how to connect with others?
Avoid people whenever possible.
Spend all your time on your phone.
Do something good for someone else.
Only interact with people who are just like you.
6. What does the video suggest about 'alone time'?
It's dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.
It's a time to fill with entertainment and distractions.
It's a time to invest in hobbies, interests, and self-reflection.
It's a sign that you're failing at social connections.
7. What does the video suggest about social media?
It should be completely avoided.
It should be used to engage and connect with people, not just passively scrolling.
It's the best way to make real, lasting connections.
It's a waste of time and should be ignored.
8. What does the video suggest about your 'vibe'?
You should always maintain a cool, aloof vibe.
You should send out a friendly, approachable vibe to the world.
Your vibe doesn't matter, only your actions do.
You should carefully control your vibe to match each specific situation.
9. What does the video suggest about dealing with rejection or gossip?
It's a sign that you're doing something wrong and should stop.
You should avoid anyone who might reject or gossip about you.
It's something you'll have to walk through, but you should get back up and try again.
You should retaliate and make sure they know they hurt you.
10. What does the video suggest about fears of social connection?
They should be ignored and pushed away.
They're a sign that you're not cut out for social connections.
They should be faced and overcome, not used as an excuse to hide away.
They're a sign that people are fundamentally untrustworthy.
