How do I improve my relationship with my parents?

How do I improve my relationship with my parents?

This activity is also printable! Download files here (Google Drive)

*Families come in all shapes and sizes. For the purpose of this article, we'll use the word "parents" as a shorthand for primary caregivers. This includes grandparents, aunts or uncles, older siblings, foster parents, or anyone who takes care of you.

Building trust and understanding

If you’ve had a difficult time navigating your relationship with your parents*, you’re not alone. This is something that almost every single teen will deal with. Conflict at home is normal, but it can be a source of serious frustration and emotional pain. There are effective ways to build a positive connection with your parents, and it all starts with a shift in perspective.

Parents are human beings, just like you. They have bad days. They sometimes feel tired, overwhelmed, and scared. You might expect them to be these super-composed, rational beings, but their emotions can affect how they respond. Of course, this isn’t an excuse for poor behavior or abuse, but showing patience can help calm things down.

Your parents are still growing up

Do you ever look back on the actions that younger you took and cringe in embarrassment or shame? You do this because you’ve learned since then, and you would do differently now. This kind of learning and personal development doesn’t stop when you become an adult. It doesn’t even stop when you have kids. Parents don’t have everything figured out. They’ll make plenty of mistakes, and hopefully they’ll learn from those mistakes. Remember this when you have conversations with them.

Different priorities

Parents usually prioritize safety, responsibility, and family connection. Teens will usually value freedom, fun, and friendship. Sometimes those values  create conflict when they’re at odds with each other. Both perspectives are valid, and recognizing that is the first step towards finding common ground.

If you want it, give it

You can’t just wait around forever expecting people to automatically respect you. Well, technically you can, but it won’t be very effective. You’ll find more success if you model the behaviors that you want to see in others. If you want kindness, give kindness. If you want to have more fun, be the fun!

Start soft

Have you ever had a friend approach you looking like a storm cloud, clearly ready to pick a fight? Even if their concern or complaint is valid, that opening can put you on edge.  It’s human nature to reflect the energy you’re given, so a harsh opening will typically be met with defensiveness. Keep this in mind when you speak to your parents. A respectful tone right from the get-go will make things go more smoothly.

Seek understanding

In an argument, both parties are fighting to be heard. Take a second to cool down and try to see things from the other person’s point of view. If you’re having a hard time understanding their perspective, ask questions.  Don’t let the “me monster” hijack the conversation, and you’ll open the door to empathy and compromise.

The magic words

The words “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry” are foundational to healthy relationships. When you use them generously, it shows respect and appreciation.  If you have a rough argument, a sincere apology shows you’re humble and willing to repair things. Humility is crucial for rebuilding trust after hard conversations.

Quality time

Remember how teens and parents usually have different core values or priorities? One of the things that probably matters a lot to your parents is quality time.  They love you and want to strengthen their bond with you. Even simple things like doing chores with them or watching a show together can contribute to a positive connection.

Be a great repairer

Every relationship will have conflict. What makes a relationship strong isn’t the absence of arguments, it’s the ability to reconnect and fix things. When you have a tough conversation with your parents, be the first one to reach out after. Own your half of the fight, and apologize if you said something that hurt their feelings. Learning to repair when relationships become strained is an important and intelligent skill. Be ready to forgive them if they apologize, too. It starts with you! Why not take the wiser path? You’ll be glad you did.

By the way, the tips in this article are about navigating normal family conflicts. It’s important to distinguish normal conflict from abuse. Abuse is a pattern of behavior used to gain and maintain power and control over you. It can be verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual. 

If you don’t feel safe at home, you don’t have to handle it alone. Talk to a trusted adult at school or in your community, or contact a confidential resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233). They can help you.

Let your parents in

Being vulnerable and opening up about your life feels scary, but it helps build trust. When your parents ask about your friends or school, be honest. Your first instinct might be to just say “I’m fine” and go to your room, but try to let them in, even if it’s just a little. 

It goes both ways, too. Ask them about their day. “How was work?” might seem like a simple question, but it will make them feel heard. Sharing about your good days is important for connection as well; it’s not just about venting on bad days.

Building strong family relationships is a lifelong journey, not a finish line you’ll cross. Some of these tips might seem hard to put into practice, but small changes can make a big difference over time. To foster a positive connection with your parents, you’re going to have to put in ongoing effort. This includes listening to them and trying to understand their perspective, and being intentional with how you share your own thoughts and feelings. With patience and effort, you can create a more positive and understanding connection with your parents. Remember to start simple, and celebrate the progress.

Next