How do I help a friend without them feeling like a project?
Oh my, you all brought the heat this week, and with it a genius question. Thank you for texting us your incredible questions. Your courage to be involved, will not only help you, but you are also raising and helping others, so well done, and keep your awesome questions coming. So let’s get to your question … How do I help a friend without them feeling like a project? Brilliant! The fact that you’re even thinking about this just makes me want to jump for joy, in part because it tells me a little about your mindset, and your effort to leave those who come to you, or who are around you, to leave a little better than they come. My awesome friend, this question matters so much, in part because it strikes at the very root of who you are, and your connection to others around you… my genius friend, we are connected… all of us, indeed no man or woman is an island. We all go around, carrying with us our power, our influence, and the responsibility to be a force for good, and to elevate ourselves and those around us. I’m 100% certain that your purpose in life includes this great truth… namely that you are to become a healer… a harbor of safety… a great physician… and a source of optimism and positivity. This isn’t just for some, I’m talking to you… we cannot erase this great calling from your life, and btw, your effort matters more than a set of perfect skills. Seek to be valuable to others, and allow time and experience to teach you, and soon you too will become a pro. You’re going to make mistakes… You can’t in a matter of minutes learn what took me two decades to perfect, but in a matter of minutes I’m going to teach some basic skills that will help you to become a source of healing and strength for others guaranteed. Remember this… and write this cool quote in your notes “The moment you become a giver in your life, you’ll never be alone.” So welcome to the healing profession my friend, and listen up. Btw, some of the basic skills that I’m going to teach you, are the very same skills that FBI Negotiators use when they are negotiating in hostage situations… ooohhh, I’m telling you, deep stuff my friends. Ok, let’s go…
1- Ok, this is actually something that you need to understand before you even get started, and this may sound like a “no doi iuri” but, we are all limited in our ability to help others. Your desire to help is wonderful, but ultimately people are going to make decisions in their life, in fact, it’s their job to make those decisions. Now you can help, you can influence, you can be persuasive and your heart will want to help, but in the end you must realize that there is a limit. Think of it like passing a tool to your friend, that she or he may choose to use or not use… that’s the deal. Our job is to offer, and attempt to assist, but then your stellar friend has to decide, and decide they will. Sometimes change takes time, and sometimes people just aren’t ready when you’re ready… in a way, we have to respect that. There’s a old quote “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear” - and you can put that in your cool quotes note on your phone… it simply means that when you and your friends are truly ready, then their heart and mind will be ready to receive it… until then, we often reject the help, or don’t realy take steps. Remember we’re dealing with people, not cows or dogs, and forcing change is not what we do. We can be persuasive, patient, loving, and have the very best of intentions, but they make the choice… so give… give the very best that you have to give, and then allow their decisions and experience to take them the rest of the way.
2-Ok, #2, now you are ready to help, and I give this advice to anyone who wants to become a total pro at helping people… settle in… A mighty change is mighty hard work, so settle in, provide people with the peace and patience they need… and follow these steps. First… whenever your friends share something, thank them for it. Sharing is risky business, so when they do, simply say “you’re so great, i’m so happy you’re telling me… or thanks for telling me this, or… I’m glad ou said something”, Next, ask questions… the key here is seek first to understand, then to be understood.” show interest, find out a little more “how long have you been feeling this way,... does anyone else know?... how have you been dealing with this?...” the key here is to give them an opportunity to talk… and my friend, talking is healing in and of itself… let them talk…allow them the space to let the poison out” Listening and asking them questions might be all you need to do… remember, you have two ears, and just one mouth… use your ears… do not rush for solutions or advice… settle in… hear them out, try to understand, validate what they say “dang bro, that sounds tough… or I hear you… or i’m sorry, that sounds super hard…” I’m telling you, your comforting words here are pure medicine… settle in and trust the process. This is the most important part of the process… this is where you are cementing your relationship… this is where you show that you can listen, that you can be a safe place, that you’re not going to judge harshly… remember you’re not fixing, (actually you are), you’re just giving your friend a place where they can take their thinking and feeling, and maybe make some sense of it. Settle in… don’t fix… trust this process.
3-Provide a suggestion… with humility. This is a simple suggestion that I give to people all over the world, “ask for permission to give advice” You can say it like this… “i have an idea, wanna hear it? Or I have a quick suggestion, can i give it to you? Or what do you think about… and then offer your opinion” remember to offer it in humility… this is a suggestion, it’s your opinion, it’s something that may work for you, but not for them. They can take it or leave, in fact sometimes I’ll say exactly that… “this may or may not work for you, or it’s just my opinion, what do you think?” The more you say things in a gentle way, the more likely they are to hear it, so if you’re really interested in helping, then offer those suggestions in a patient and humble way. This will help them to not feel like a project, instead they’ll feel heard, seen, understood, and respected… you’re not forcing them, you’re inviting them… and for you, remember, they can reject your help… this isn’t about you per say, we got to respect… R.E.S.P.E.C.T. their ability to direct their life. You’re not taking the driver’s seat… that’s their seat. You may have some ideas, but don’t grab for the wheel… solid boundaries my friend.
One more quick thing my friend… we are not saviors. It is not your responsibility to save my life… that’s my job. Sometimes in your effort to help, it may be too much for you… remember you are managing your life as well… your own stresses and challenges. You are not to run faster than you have strength… and when you do, you too will end up crippled and hurt. Help when you can, but don’t ever fall for the trap that it’s all up to you… that you’re the only one… that you’re what stands between that person and a tragedy… sometimes people who are hurt can consciously or unconsciously put people in this place… be aware of it, and know your place… like i said, dont jump in the drivers seat… don’t take the wheel, no matter how much they want you to. Their actions are theirs and theirs alone, so just remember this bit of truth as you venture into this wonderful and meaningful world of being a helper and a healer. Now get out there and be a humble healer, and reap the benefits of an awesome and meaningful life.
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