Why do I feel lonely?

Why do I feel lonely?

You incredible person. I’m so grateful that you’re here. Really, you inspire me to be a better person! I love your ideas, your energy, and your natural ability to be loyal and help those around you. Your question this week is one that we hear a lot from students throughout the country, and one that is getting a lot of attention throughout the nation. You’re asking 'Why do I feel so lonely, and what can I do different'

Man, I’ve read articles, listened to podcasts, and read reports about what people are calling an epidemic of loneliness with adults and adolescents feeling more alone and isolated than before.  Well, I’m glad that you’re here, because you’re part of the revolution my friend, and I’m going to give you some tips to help you be part of the revolution that brings people together.  I don’t know if you remember COVID, you know, the whole global pandemic… but there were signs everywhere reminding people to socially distance, right?  Making sure that we weren’t too close to one another, well fortunately, those days are passing, and now instead of practicing social distancing, I want you to practice something different. I want you to practice social gathering! That’s the revolution that I want you to begin and join wherever you are.  Are you in?  My mission for you, should you choose to accept it of course, is to not only socially gather, but also to be a hotspot, where others can gather, too.

Listen to me, the greatest predictor of short and long term happiness in the present and future life are good and positive relationships, and my hope is that instead of just waiting for those to just come and land on your lap, is that you’ll be wise enough, courageous enough, and willing to walk out into the world, with your head up, with your heart open, and with your hands willing to receive and invite people into your circle.  The world needs you, for real!  Don’t worry about feeling weird or awkward, honestly those things don’t matter as much as you think they do. Instead, focus on planting yourself in the right places, doing the right things, with good people like you, who are also looking for friendship.  Listen, I know that your fears hold you back sometimes, just like they held me back as well, but the truth is that 90% of the other teens around you are all looking for the same thing you are. They’re looking for good people, that like them, that are friendly, fun, and understanding. Do you hear me right now? Everyone around you is looking for the same thing you are!  So don’t lock yourself in a mind prison, where you believe that everyone around you already has their friend group; or where you believe that no one gets you; or where you believe that you’re just going to get hurt again; or where you just believe that it’s not going to work out!  

I know it’s risky. I get it, but honestly this is the most intelligent and sensible choice for you to make.  So wherever you are this year, whatever your circumstances,  whatever your history with people and the relationships that you’ve had, do yourself a solid, and create an objective in your mind that says 'I’m going to look for friends, and work to be a better friend myself forever, and ever, and ever, no matter what. Because it is wise and intelligent!'

I’m not trying to say that you can’t ever have alone time,where you read, or game, or study, or watch a movie, or just chill with your music, or play an instrument, or go for a hike or a run, or write some poetry, or a story, or paint, or draw. I’m not afraid of being alone, and I don’t want you to be afraid either. In fact, I want you to cherish those moments. Keep your moments of solitude, but get yourself out there and build a network because my friend, you’re going to need it. I’m not suggesting that you become the same as others, I want you to do it your way, with your own style, in a way that’s unique to you. But my friend, let’s learn to connect, and to be a relationship master.  I know that sometimes you’re going to be rejected, or dismissed, that your heart is going to break a little bit, or that people may gossip about you. You’re going to have to walk through that valley of the shadow of death! That’s just how it is, but you need to get back up, and climb again.

Ok, can we turn the page, and talk about some quick tips to help you deal with your feelings of loneliness, and also with some quick ideas that you can put into practice right away!  Let’s go!  

1. Remember that feelings are signals:  similar to the lights on a car dashboard, or the notifications on your phone, your emotions are signaling you to do something.  So for example, the emotion of fear is a signal to say, 'get ready' or for you to prepare or for you to be watchful and focus. What do you think the feeling of loneliness is signaling you to do?  Feelings of loneliness are letting you know that it’s time to shift your efforts and energy to connecting with others.  This can be your brother, sister, mom, dad, cousins, teachers,  friends, or coaches, classmates., etc. One more thing, feelings of loneliness don’t mean that life sucks, or that you’re worthless, or that no one likes ou, or that things will never work out, or that people are horrible, or that no one gets you and they never will. Your feelings simply mean, 'Hey, it’s time to do something that will help you to build and nourish some relationships.'  I hope this makes great sense to you.  

2. Stop hiding: Connected to the idea of taking action, is my suggestion for you to stop hiding, to get out into the open, to get outside, and to get around others.  There is now a great chunk of data that shows that screen time is not great connecting time. In fact there is some interesting data that connects high levels of loneliness, to people’s use of their cell phone.  Let’s be real. How many times do you dive into your phone when other people are around?  When you’re in a situation that’s a little uncomfortable?  When you’re around people you don’t know?  When you’re walking down the halls of your school? Or at an event? Or when you’re bored?  There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that cell phones can become an avoidance mechanism, or like a little pacifier for a baby.  The moment that child begins to cry, we put that binky or pacifier in their mouth, so they feel a little bit better, and I think that phones have become a little bit like that for us. I know that phones are incredible and give us so many amazing things, but I also see people literally enter their phones, and it’s like they’ve slipped into some multiverse, and they’re no longer there, because they’re elsewhere, and when you’re elsewhere, how will you ever enjoy where you are, and connect to the people around you? Anyways, It’s your life my friend, I just want to present you with a reasonable argument for you to consider.

3. Think simple, start small:  Remember that small choices can lead to big outcomes, so start where you are, use what you have, build from there.  I’m talking about taking small steps that will help you to connect to the people, places, and things where you are.  Here are some ideas:

• Do something good for somebody else.  There is incredible evidence that suggests that the quickest path to you feeling better is to help somebody else. Contribute to something around you, and that’s why I’m putting this as the first idea.  

• If you’re at your house, get out of your room, and go where other people are.  Start a conversation, ask questions, laugh, offer to play a game, do whatever you need to do, but get out there and do something!

• If you’re at school, lift up your eyes from your phone, call people by name, and give someone a nice, crisp high-five. Man, when was the last time you gave someone a really nice high-five? Or a hug, or a bro-hug.  Smile at people, wave at them, give them the old ‘head nod’. You know what i’m talking about right?  When you go 'Hey.' The key here is get your 'I’m a friendly, cool, and approachable person' VIBE, and send it out into the world.  

• Be the one that initiates hangouts, fun, and adventure. Don’t get stuck waiting. Instead, send out a text or call someone. At least open the door, right? This won’t always work, sometimes people are hanging out elsewhere or busy or whatever, but at least give yourself the chance to succeed.

• If you do happen to go to social media, go there to connect, to comment, to engage with people who are around, instead of just scrolling through that never ending universe of other people’s lives and what they’re doing.  And please remember, in all of your interactions online, my dear friends, be respectful, be kind, and for heaven sakes be smart.  Never, ever, ever send anything that is inappropriate or that you would be embarrassed to have your parents or good friends see, no matter what.  Don’t fall for that trap.

4. And lastly, use your alone and solitary time wisely:  You’re going to be alone a lot in this life.  I believe that this is actually a critical and important time in your life.  The greatest people in history, the great thinkers, philosophers, artists, and people who have changed the course of humanity, deliberately sought out time alone.  Time where they could think for themselves.  Where they could get some clarity, or even consider the direction of their lives.  Remember that you are not meant to just be a reflection of other people’s ideas or others’ behavior, you are here to create, to bring your special brand to the world.  So that when you find yourself alone, invest in hobbies, interests that help you to bring beauty and creativity and awesomeness to this world.  Don’t just fill your alone time with entertainment, or other people’s Youtube stories, or whatever else.  I know that sometimes those things can be inspiring, and if so, go for it, but remember that life is not a spectator sport. You gotta get in the game and build, baby!

Thanks for your brilliant question.  I hope these ideas can help you to listen to your emotional signals with a better and more inspiring perspective, that will ultimately motivate you to move forward, instead of hiding out, or being paralyzed by your fear.  Let’s go connect people!

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