How do I tell someone I'm interested in them?
Hello there my hard rockin’ amigos, man, it’s just so stellar to receive your questions, and this week is a doozy for sure… “How do I tell someone that I’m interested in them, without looking like a complete weirdo?” That question just makes me smile, and honestly it takes me back to when I was your age, and for heaven’s sake, I was a bit of a weirdo, and more honestly, I don’t think I ever had enough courage to tell anyone that I was interested… I think I was too afraid of being told …” well, that’s nice iuri, but i’m not really interested in you.”
That idea… the fear that I had, that others wouldn’t feel the same as I did, and getting rejected… or at least It felt like rejection… seemed so big, that I wouldn’t dare take a risk. But can you and I do a little work right now… you know… a little therapy? I want to challenge this idea of being rejected right here and now!
I think I’ll start with a quick story that I’m literally remembering as we speak. Not too long after my parents divorced, I moved to a new town and started going to a new school… not the easiest experience, but honestly people were pretty chill and gave me a shot.
I remember riding the public bus to school everyday (this was in Portugal btw, where I grew up), and there was this girl from my class that rode the bus home with me. We became friends, and sometime during the year, she told me that she knew about someone who liked me. Of course I was like “NOICE” honestly, that didn’t really happen in my life, so needless to say I was pretty hyped, so then we basically played this little game of cat and mouse where I tried to guess who it was...well, right before she got off at her stop, she said in complete desperation… “hum… helloooo… it’s me!” I’m sure you’re all incredibly embarrassed for me… but of course I was dense and completely clueless, I was 15 and had no game. Needless to say, I was surprised, and honestly I was a little speechless, in part because my feelings and interest didn’t match her feelings and interest.
I certainly didn’t think she was a weirdo, and we stayed good friends, but we just didn’t match… in a way, on a scale I liked her at a 5 or 6, and she liked me more like a 7 or an 8… and that’s the point I want to make… I think in our heads, we make it worse for ourselves… we tell ourselves that it’s rejection… but it’s not quite rejection… I wasn’t rejecting her feelings, or her as a person, I simply didn’t match, and honestly that’s normal, in fact I would say that matching feelings and interest with someone else is the exception… it’s a bit rare… that’s why when it happens it’s so unbelievably awesome… right??
So first off, give the idea that “I don’t want to be rejected, or i’m afraid of being rejected” the boot… I mean right now, kick it out of your mind… shift your thinking this minute. It’s not about being rejected, don’t make it sound scarier than it is, what you are trying to gauge is the level of interest, and whether you and this other person are similar or a match.
Btw, What we are really afraid of is pain and discomfort, and sometimes that looks like embarrassment, or feeling awkward, and that’s why we hold back… we don’t share, because we’re fearful that it will hurt… why am I telling you this? well it’s because in this life, you need to learn to lean into, and walk into, sometimes run toward those things that are hard, potentially painful, and potentially uncomfortable… My friend, do not let fear drive your life, or derail your dreams, goals and objectives… it reminds me of this totally cool quote from a great movie, that btw was just redone… perhaps you’ve seen it!
It’s called ‘Dune’.
Here’s the quote “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” Now, I don’t know if we can’t fear… fear is common, it’s expected, but you must learn to endure fear, and move forward despite its presence inside you, you got me?
Now, just one more quick thing before I get down to the nitty gritty and what you can do… this is another psychological shift that I need you to make right now. Sometimes we are extremely provincial… what does that mean? it just means that we think and feel that our whole life is right here, right now, and this leads to a kind of “all or nothing” type thinking.
Meaning if it doesn’t work now, it will never work, or even, this is what’s always going to happen… and my friend, we have to graduate from this type of thinking, and instead realize that there will be many people you will like throughout your whole life, and honestly a slew of people that will be interested in you, and when one doesn’t work, there will be others, other opportunities… this is not life or death, you will match with many people, and others will match with you… so get out of this all or nothing, life or death, black and white thinking! Capiche?
So, to return to the question at hand, how do you tell someone, or let someone know that you are interested, and I’m going to offer two suggestions. One is a bit more patient and indirect, and the other is clear and direct, and you can of course do whichever one suits your style and courage… but the important part, is that you need to have that understanding that you and I just talked about… you are expressing or showing your interest, and checking to see if their level of interest is the same, and the way you communicate this, will make all the difference, but i’ll get to that in a minute.
So the more patient and indirect way is, you keep hanging around, spending time with, texting, being cool, being an awesome friend, showing excitement when you’re around them, listening to them, and continue doing your own personal work, so you are someone awesome, and you let it happen… or you hope it will happen… you try to read the clues… are you the one that instigates every hangout, every text, every effort… if the answer is yes, there is a good chance their level of interest in you is not as high as yours…
once again…
this is normal, remember it’s rare to find the same or a similar level of interest romantically… but if you are not inclined to just saying it, and you’re a little more gutless like me, then, this patient but active (active because you are trying to build a relationship and a friendship) approach is your baby… but if you’re gutsy, well then my friend, send it… but do so with class… do it with that bit of understanding, that if their feelings match… yay!!...
This is the best case scenario right??
It’s amazing when someone says that they feel the same, but you almost have to go into it with the attitude of, ‘hey, this is how I feel, and I’m taking a chance to say it to you, but I totally respect the way you feel, and realize it may not be the same. Our friendship is super important to me, and I would love to keep that, So here goes…. And then you tell them” See what I’m sayin’? Of course this sounds easier than it actually may be, but you can deflate some of the pressure of the situation by setting it up right, instead of some all-or-nothing scenario that will make it awkward for you and for them.
Well, what do you think? Did this answer your question? I hope so, but I would just be absolutely thrilled to hear your thoughts and ideas on this… meanwhile, make a decision, and move confidently in the direction of the things that you want! Take care and may the odds be ever in your favor my awesome friends!
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