Is my phone a friend or frenemy?

People, you blow me away!  Thank you for being here.  I just absolutely love your question… “Is my phone a friend or frenemy?”... say that 3 times super quick… Anyway, genius question.  You know, I’m glad you’re asking it, and I’m happy to provide you with some thoughts and ideas that you can either take, or not take… but at first glance, my immediate response to your question is “well, it just depends on how you use it, right?” and my objective today is to help you be aware of some of the dangers that are lurking under the water… more on that in a minute… and how to best use this incredible tool, that is never more than a few feet away from you at any time.

Ok, quick question, do you know what a wildebeest is?  The wildebeest is a deer-like animal that lives in the plains of Africa, and every year it migrates in search of water and better places to find food.  This is a huge migration, and there are many challenges, including some really large fat cats that follow the migration and hunt them.  The Wildebeest’s are hungry, thirsty, and at some point they near the Mara River.  They see the water, they want to drink… but they don’t immediately rush in… you can see that they’re skittish and scared, but soon enough some Wildebeest go, and begin to drink, some even wade into the river itself… but there are giants in that river, just lurking and waiting.  What happens next is like drama you’ve never seen.  Giant Nile Crocodiles, some over 20 feet long and weighing over 1,600 pounds.  A Nile crocodile's bite is roughly 30 times stronger than a human's. I don’t know if you’ve ever been bitten by a person, but it’s painful… anyways, the average human bite force is around 120–160 PSI (or pounds per square inch), while a Nile crocodile's bite can reach 5,000 PSI. This means a Nile crocodile's bite is powerful enough to cut a human in half… okay, that’s a little gruesome… but these crocodiles slowly swim over to the thirsty Wildebeest, sometimes with just their little eyes above the water, and then they strike, and these poor Wildebeest are caught in the jaws of these terrifying creatures.  Many times, it is the young Wildebeest who first go to the water, in part because they don’t know what is under the water, unlike the older Wildebeest, who have already seen what lies beneath those muddy waters.

“Iuri, are you really comparing our phones to crocodiles?  More importantly, are you calling me a Wildebeest?”  Easy amigo, remember, I’m the best friend you’ve ever had, I’m harmless, but yes, I am here to wave the red flag, and to say, “bruh you better manage that phone, or it’s going to manage you.”

Here are some things that I think you should be aware of:

1. Scams:  Listen to me, I’m sure you’re a super smart person, and in your mind you’re thinking to yourself, I would never fall for a scam, but the reality is that people like you and I are constantly falling for them.  People asking you for money, promising you more money back.  People charming you and telling you how wonderful, awesome, beautiful, attractive you are, and then having you send them pictures of yourself… sometimes inappropriate pictures of yourself, promising you fame, money, modeling, etc… I’ve seen this happen so many times, and sometimes with tragic consequences for teens who are caught in this trap, and then blackmailed that if they don’t pay a certain amount of money, all of those images will be released to their friends, family, community, and the world… Please, use your parents or people you trust before you do anything like that… please just hear me out.  Unfortunately there are people out there who are not well, and who will try to take advantage of you, I wish this wasn’t true, but it is, and it is sad.  

2. Inappropriate Content:  Phones, Internet, and Social Media are full of poor and innapropriate content.  Can I make a quick suggestion?  Don’t ever participate or consume content that is pornographic, that involves nudity, or sexual activity.  This is a conversation that needs to happen between you and your parents, I’m just offering a suggestion to you.  As you use your phone, you will most likely come across this content and be asked to join in.  What I suggest is that you make a decision right here, right now, to never, ever, ever do that.  I can’t tell you how many teens and students I have dealt with who are terrified that some image that they’ve shared will be shared with others, or even others who are being manipulated or threatened that images will be released to the student body or their community.  Please, be bold, be courageous, and be wise enough to never share any image of you that is inappropriate, no matter who is making that request.  Draw that line in the sand, right now, and don’t cross it, no matter how cute, how cool, how great, or how insecure and afraid you feel.  I hope you hear me out.

3. Cyberbullying:  Okay, so Trolls might not exist in real life… “wait, what?” “Yeah, they’re not real, but they are alive and well on the internet and on social media.”  An internet troll is someone who posts rude, unkind, demeaning, and offensive content online, on social media, or even on text threads.  Imagine a playground: A troll is like the kid who loves to tease, bully, insult, and bother others.  If you are doing these kinds of things on your social media accounts, or over text, or email, don’t try to excuse yourself and say things like “I’m just being honest, or authentic, or that person brought it on themselves…” serious??  My friendly suggestion is… don’t be that person… be a better version of yourself, and let the best of you lead the rest of you.  If you are part of text chats, groups, or other places where this is happening, please do yourself a solid and leave those muddy waters, in search of cleaner water. 

4. Social and Mental Health Impact: I’ll be super honest here, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to see the clues that cell phones and social media are more like anti-social devices… in other words, our phones are separating us from the people, the circumstances, and the places we are in.  Let me give you an example.  About a year ago, I took about 400 teens on a 3 day camping and hiking trip.  We’re talking teens here… it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever done.  No cell phones were allowed on that trip.  Every night we would get together and do a huge dinner, you can imagine how much food that was.  I remember one night walking over to where people were having dinner, and the amount of chatter and laughter in the air was just electric and fun.  Compare that with a 9 hour car drive that I just recently did with a car full of teens.  You could literally hear a pin drop in that car, as each and every teen was completely absorbed in their phone, on netflix, with earpods on, playing a game, on insta, snap, youtube, or whatever… everyone in their own little world, in their own little tower, completely absorbed in these incredible devices that are simply remarkable.  One of these researchers talks about frequently arriving early to give a lecture at her college only to find a room of 30+ students sitting together in complete silence, all of them absorbed in their smartphones, afraid to speak or to be heard by their classmates.  So to me, it’s obvious why some of you say that you are feeling more isolated, less confident, more socially anxious.  Sherry Turkle who is one of these researchers says it best as she describes what smart phones have done to us, she says… “we are forever elsewhere.”  think of it.  When you are in your phone, that is exactly where you are.  Just like those college students in the classroom, or your classmates in the hallway, or the teens who were in my car… their bodies were there, but their minds, their attention, their focus, was elsewhere.  I always tell people, the quickest way for you to be miserable right here, and right now, is for you to wish to be somewhere else, or to mentally be elsewhere.  I get it, it’s hard to say no to 100% captivating entertainment all the time.  As one of my kids says… the special effects are just better on the phone dad.   My dear friends, my humble suggestion for you is to not allow this to become your reality.  Your happiness, your life purpose, your success, your confidence, your courage, your skills are not on that phone!  They are out here, in the world, with people.  What do you think?  Do you think I’m being reasonable, or am I just being another pessimistic doomsdayer that is totally disconnected from reality?  

Here’s the truth, I’m actually optimistic about this.  Some of the things that I’m seeing as a result of our phone dependence, and social media usage are not awesome, but I believe that people like you, are not going to go around like zombies, sleepwalking through life, in a phone coma, but that you will begin to see both the positive and the negative parts of this incredible technology, and find a way to manage it, so that it becomes a tool of confidence, happiness, connection, creativity, instead of a tool that encourages insecurity, sadness, isolation, snubbing others, and stagnation.  So how do we flip the script?  How do we escape those dragons that are lying beneath the surface?  Here are some tools:

1. Commit to Building Relationships

What’s the secret to long-term happiness? It’s all about quality relationships. Whether it’s with your family, friends, teachers, or coaches, make an effort every day to be more socially engaged and connected to these people.  Quit allowing your phone to be a barrier between people, and you.  At dinner, with family, with friends, during a movie, while family is visiting, on a date, at a sporting event… for heaven sakes… take it in, be where your feet are, instead of constantly retreating into your phone, and being elsewhere.  

2. Be Present Where Your Feet Are

Ever find yourself physically with people but mentally somewhere else? That’s what I mean by being “forever elsewhere,” and it’s stealing your joy! Start here… limit your notifications, or turn them off all together (maybe leave your texts, and phone ones on), but honestly you don’t need a play by play about everything that’s happening in the life of Tommy, or Betsy, or Tracey, or Peter… that’s their business, it’s time for you to learn to take care of your business.  I said it above, but let this short phrase “Be where your feet are” be your new motto.  Trust me, it’ll make life a lot more fun and fulfilling.

3. Create Your Own Adventures

Stop watching everyone else live their lives online—get out there and live your own! Go skateboard, play guitar, hike, camp, whatever excites you. Watching others won’t build your confidence or skills, but doing it yourself will. It’s time to make your own memories and find what you’re passionate about.

4. Use Your Phone to Enhance Your Life, Not Drain It

Your phone is a tool—use it to connect, learn, and grow, not as a crutch that distracts you from real life. Look up, engage with the world around you, and remember that the best moments are happening outside your screen. Use your phone to capture memories, not miss them.

5. Set Limits and Take Control

Phones are designed to create a personal habit— they are slick, easy to use, and always within reach. To be honest, you’re being trained.  Kind like a puppy… seriously iuri, first you accuse me of being a Wildebeest, and now a dog?? I’ve had enough of your violence, hey hey hey, I gotchu, I just want to point out, that the moment that phone buzzes, tweets, snaps, jingles, you jump, ready to obey.  Here’s the challenge, it’s time for you to flip the script and train your phone.  How do you do that?  Well, you set up screen times, and limits on your phone.  You ask for help from your mom and dad, and have them help you.  Everyday at the end of the day, check to see how many phone pick ups you had.  How much time you spent, and then maybe set some simple goals to regain some control back.  Regain some perspective, focus on what really matters - your relationships, character, skills, and what you bring to the world, and learn how to use your phone, instead of being used by it.  

Ok, I think I’ve insulted you enough for today.  I hope it was helpful.  I hope I didn’t gross you out with the whole crocodile story, I just wanted to give you a sense that sometimes things are lurking beneath the surface… that sometimes the harm is subtle, but present.  I believe that your generation will indeed find ways to handle this challenge better than we have so far.  Be cool, be smart, and stop drinking in crocodile infested waters.  Ciao!

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