I'm being bullied. What can I do?

Hello friends, I'm so grateful that you're taking a moment to listen in, and for those of you who asked this question, I'm grateful to you, for having the courage to talk about something that is either happening in your life right now, or that has happened in the past.  The reality is that nearly 1 in 5 of you, are either currently experiencing, or have experienced bullying at some time in your life.  I think it's also important to note that many of you that are listening or watching, may actually be involved in bullying others right now, and to be honest, you may not even fully realize or acknowledge that that's what is going on.  Either way, please stick around, I have some ideas and tips that I believe will empower you to take action for yourself, and maybe even to help your friends. 

Today I'm going to talk about two things:  #1- I'm going to define Bullying for you.  I realize that it's a bit of a general term, and I hope that this may help you to check yourself, and perhaps help to check and help others. #2 - I'm going to provide some tips to those of you who may be experiencing some bullying right now, and what you can do to address it in whatever way you feel is the very best for you.  Well, let's get to it.  

What exactly is bullying?  Bullying is when someone repeatedly hurts, picks on, ridicules, spreads rumors about, demeans, or threatens another person on purpose. Most of the time, It's not a one-time thing but something that happens repeatedly, over and over again. I find that bullying happens in four main ways:

1. Physically - This includes hitting, pushing, pinching, or any other form of physical harm that is unwanted by the other person.  Has anything like this ever happened to you or your friends?  

2. Socially - Social bullying is when people gang up on other people and say things that are cruel, mean, disrespectful, and offensive... in other words, this is what gossiping is all about.  I find that this is the most common form of bullying, and many times, you may not even realize that you have become part of something that is harmful to others, harmful to you, and that is contributing to a hostile, tense, and crappy environment.  Are you aware of anything like this happening to you personally, or in your school?  I'm sure you can think of a couple of examples.

3. Verbally - This simply includes any kind of language that is repeatedly aimed at other people that is harmful, offensive, unkind, stereotypical, and disrespectful.  In other words it's being verbally abusive.  I've often said that compliments are eternal, meaning that they can have a dramatic positive impact on people... well the opposite is also true people.  Please take a moment to check the words that are coming out of your mouth.  Are you making your school, your life and the life of others better, or worse?  Come on people, be wise, and realize that your relationships with people have a direct impact on your happiness and success, so instead of burning bridges, and creating enemies, be wise and build bridges, and lots of allies.

4. And Cyberbullying - I think you already know what I'm talking about here, but basically if you're using text, social media platforms, or other forms of electronic communication, to attack, demean, gang-up on, or gossip about other people, this is cyberbullying.  This is pretty common these days, and my hope is that if you're involved in group chats, or media sites, where people are being gossiped about in negative ways, that you will at the very minimum, not participate or join others in this cruel behavior.  You can also leave these social places, and encourage others to do the same.  Have you ever seen something like this happen to you or your friends... or have you ever been a part of something like this?

This was not meant to be an extensive list of all the possible ways that one could be bullied, but I hope that this gives you a clearer vision, should something like this ever happen to you or your friends, or should you ever be involved in doing some of these behaviors yourself.  Maya Angelou famously said "when you know better, you do better," so by giving you this information, I'm raising your intelligence, and hoping that this information can help you to act in a better and more courageous way... and this is wisdom... Wisdom is the application of intelligence.

Ok, What can you do if you're being bullied right now, or in the future?  Before I give you these tips, I want you to know that ultimately you are the one in control of your life.  YOU get to make decisions about how and when to respond to the circumstances in your life.  These are just suggestions that you can either use, or not use.  You can use all of them, or some of them, or none of them.  Either way I respect your decision.  

1. Wait it out:  One of your options if you are being bullied right now or in the future, is to wait it out, and hope that whoever is bullying you just loses interest, and finds better things to do with their time.  I'll be honest, I've been on the receiving end of some bullying behaviors by others, and I didn't really say anything to anyone, and just secretly hoped that it would end.  Obviously I didn't love it, and it caused me some fear and mental anxiety knowing that I would have to come in contact with these individuals, but that is what I chose to do.  This brings me to tip #2

2. Avoid people and places where bullying tends to happen:  Because I didn't tell anyone, and I didn't really have the guts to speak up, my main strategy became avoidance, meaning, I would do whatever I could to avoid those people and the places where bullying would happen.  Just to be clear, these are not my favorite skills and strategies about what to do if you're being bullied, but I did use them as a teenager who was afraid to stand up to people, and who convinced himself that it really wasn't that bad.  To be honest, I was pretty immature and uninformed, and didn't even consider the option of telling other people, so I just didn't.  So if you're not ready to take more direct action to stop whatever kind of bullying is happening to you, try avoiding the people and the places where this happens as a strategy.  Another passive strategy is to...

3. Ignore and walk away:  Sometimes people like creating and getting a reaction out of you.  By ignoring their words and behavior and walking away in a dismissive and confident way, it may help to stop or diminish their negative behavior toward you.  Another one is to...

4. Use humor:  You can also try to diffuse some of the bullying behavior, by using your humor.  You can laugh or even agree with what's being said, and by doing so, in a way you are taking back some of the control and your power, and removing some of the reaction that others may be looking for.  Another way to protect yourself is to...

5. Use the Buddy System:  I'm sure you've heard the expression, "there's strength in numbers," well, it's true.  Bullies may feel more confident going after one, isolated person, in a dark and secluded place, but they will rarely bully a group, in a wide open space.  Do what you can to surround yourself with friends, and groups of people, as a way to prevent bullying.  

6. Tell Someone:  If you're ready to take a more active role in stopping any bullying that is happening to you, I would suggest telling someone.  This could be your parents, your siblings, a principal, a school counselor, a religious leader, anyone that you feel could be on your side, and help you to work through this problem.  Maybe you will want them to help you right away, or maybe you'll ask them to not get involved, but either way, you are now directly taking steps to improving your situation.  I know that some Adolescents don't feel great about this step because it goes against one of their personal rules, namely, "no snitching or tattling," but honestly, who does that rule benefit?  That rule only benefits one person, the person who is mistreating you.  My friend you are free to open your mouth, and at least have a conversation about how to deal with this situation with whomever you wish.  Like I said before, it's totally up to you my friend.  Do you want to do something about being bullied or not?  If the answer is YES, then maybe it's time for you to open your mind to different ideas... ideas that lead to solutions, instead of ideas that keep you and others doing the same things.  Telling someone is a great first step.  You're still in control, but now you have a little support, and someone with whom you can brainstorm some ideas.  Trust me.  Open up and let's take some positive action, instead of just wishing for things to magically disappear.  I think schools are pretty motivated to stop this behavior, so please be brave enough to speak to your school counselors, principal, or other administrators.  

7. Speak up:  If you're the kind of person that is more outspoken, or perhaps you would like to build up your assertive muscles, then maybe right now is the perfect time for you to speak up and give this strategy a try.  Speaking up means speaking or texting the people who are mistreating you directly.  Here are some phrases you can use in an effort to get them to stop.  :

1. "Why are you being mean and rude?  I don't like it at all.  I wish you would stop."

2. "Dude, I don't like being treated this way, please stop."

3. "Stop bullying me."

4. "Do you realize that what you're doing is not ok, or cool in any way?  Leave me alone."

5. "I don't know why you're doing this, but I want it to end now."

6. "I'm asking you to stop treating me this way, it is not cool or acceptable."

7. "Look, I don't want any trouble.  Please stop harassing and bullying me."

8. "Please stop saying mean things about me to your friends, it's not cool and it's hurting me." 

9. "Will you stop calling me that?  Do you realize that it's rude and not funny?"

10. "I don't appreciate being treated this way. Please stop."

Now... I realize that I'm an old man, and the way that I speak is very different from the      way you would say things.  So how would you say it?  Either way, practice saying these in a calm and confident way.  Like I said before, I think sometimes people who are involved in bullying behavior, don't even realize it.  In their mind, they're just having fun, and they might even think that you're having fun.  This is a clear statement from you, calling it what it is, and asking them to stop.  I think it's worth a try.

8. Stay involved and invested:  Look, it sucks to be treated badly, rudely, and to be bullied, but please remember, that this is just a portion of your life.  My friend, listen to me very closely... as painful, scary, or anxiety producing as bullying can be, you can't ever, ever... and I mean never hide out, and stop growing personally, socially, academically, and in any other area.  You have to stay in the game!  You have to go to activities!  You have to go to class!  You have to keep trying with others!  You have to keep building relationships with others!  You have to try new hobbies, patterns, fun, skills, etc.  No one... and I mean no one, can ever stop you from pursuing a brilliant and awesome life, and that includes you as well.  Don't build up walls of fear that make your world feel small.  Remember that the purpose of your existence is to grow and evolve... your happiness and joy depend on it, and no matter how challenging that road is, you must walk that path, and continue on.  Millions of others have done it before you, and succeeded, and you will too... so stay in the game, and keep growing, expanding, and trying.

9. People's words and actions don't define you:  I know that you know this, but just as a reminder, don't let people's ignorance, their insecurity, and their immaturity define you.  Remember you are the author... you are the writer of your life.  Your choices, your heart, even your good intentions will ultimately define the kind of person that you will become.  I wish people were more considerate and positive, but I realize that sometimes they are not.  I just need you to recognize that there is a clear separation between what people do, or what they may say to you... and what you are and will become.  You are a miraculous being, with almost limitless potential.  You are an incredible instrument that can learn and grow in almost every possible area and skill.  You can grow, you can heal, you can excel and master new hobbies and ways of doing things.  Please consider accepting this bit of truth about yourself.

My dear friends, be brave, be intelligent, stay hopeful, and realize the impact that you can have in your life, and in the life of others.  Know that when you elevate others, you always... always elevate yourself, and when you demean others, you always end up lowering and demeaning yourself.  Most of all, be cool, and remember, only positive gossip from your mouth.

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