How can I improve my relationship with my parents?

Hello there my good friends.  Thank you for trusting us with your amazing questions.  I’m so impressed with your desire to make small changes and improvements in your life, and your question this week is just so critical.  You asked, “How Do I Improve My Relationship With My Parents?” and so without further ado, I want to jump into it, and give you the very best that I have, and that I’ve observed over tens of thousands of hours counseling parents and adolescents just like you.  Before I give you my tips on how to improve your relationship, I want to mention a few things that I think will help you right now, and honestly, throughout your life.  

First - Your parents are emotional creatures, just like you and I.  I would love to respond to my children in the most awesome way all of the time, but honestly, sometimes I’m tired, overwhelmed, and stressed, and my best self doesn’t show up.  As a result my responses may lack the understanding and empathy that my children would like from me, and that I would want from me.  This is not a justification, this is personal work that I’m doing to ensure that I can provide an emotionally safe, supportive, encouraging, and respectful place for my children to grow in.  I hope that your parents are working on this as well, but as you see them struggle in the way that they respond to you, I think if you can show them a little patience and a little grace, you’ll likely get more in return.  

Second - Your parents are still growing up, just like you and I.  Learning, growing, and maturing is a life-long process.  Parents don’t have it all figured out, in fact sometimes we’re quite lost.  Our past, our families, the hurt and trauma we’ve been through, can sometimes cloud our vision, and as a result, we react out of fear, or we become controlling, or we sometimes appear to be more focused on what you’re doing wrong, instead of what you’re doing right, and your sincere efforts to be successful and joyous.  As you interact, negotiate, and discuss things with your parents, go about it with this knowledge and understanding in mind, as a result, you’ll approach things in a more peaceful way, and as a result, I believe that you will get superior results.

Third - recognize that what parents want, and what you want is not that different, although the way we go about it might be quite different.  Let me give a quick example.  Parents for example are usually more focused on:

• Making Sure You’re Safe

• Responsibility

• Open Communication

• Long Term Choices and Consequences

• And Time With Family

Adolescents on the other hand are often focused on:

• Having Fun

• Freedom and Doing What They Want To Do

• The Desire To Have More Privacy

• What They Want To Do Now

• And Time With Friends.

When you hear this list, you can see why sometimes parents and teens have some friction and arguments, but here is the truth, there’s nothing wrong with what your parents want, and to be perfectly honest, there’s nothing wrong with what you want.  I want safety and I absolutely want fun.  I know that I need to be responsible and accountable, but man I love my freedom.  I know that it’s wise to be open in my communication with the people i love, but I also enjoy my privacy… I think you get the idea.  My hope is that as you understand what your parents want, you’ll be able to communicate with them better, with more understanding, and if you’re willing to do a little work, doing the things that they are asking for, you’ll end up getting more freedom to do what you want.  Now, you know that there are no guarantees in life, so work this plan with patience, humility, and in a respectful way, and I think that you will dramatically improve your chances of getting more of what you want.  By the way, I’m not trying to teach you how to manipulate situations, I just want you to understand that all relationships require the intelligence to seek to understand others first, to give of yourself, and to negotiate in a respectful, and kind way.  How does this sound to you?

Ok, let me quickly jump to a couple of tips that I think will help your relationship with your parents run more smoothly, in fact, these tips will help you to navigate every personal or professional relationship, friendship, or romantic interest, in the most effective way, so listen in, and take some notes inside your head… or on your phone, or on a piece of paper.

Tip #1 - “If You Want It, Give It!”  I often meet people that think that others have to ‘earn’ their respect, or that wait for others to give them respect first, and that only then, will they offer respect back.  To me, this is not a superior philosophy, that I believe leads to more conflict.  Instead, my suggestion for you is to always invite and promote respect, kindness, understanding, humility, and an open mind, by first giving it.  This is pretty much the golden rule, right?  Treat others in the way you wish you would be treated, instead of what I call the bronze rule, which is to treat others in the way they are treating you. So if you are wanting a relationship with your parents that is easier, more fun, lighter, and more cheerful… bring that to the relationship, and that will increase the chances that you’ll get it back.  Let’s get’er done!

Tip #2 - “Start Soft.”  This is a great skill that has been proven to work across all relationships, particularly if you’re having a difficult conversation.  Starting soft just means that by starting conversations in a soft, considerate, and respectful tone, you’re more likely to get a better result.  This works because as humans, we have a tendency to reflect what is happening in front of us.  So when someone is loud, disrespectful, rude, or controling, our tendency is to reflect what is being offered, or simply to close our hearts and resist it.  I’m sure this has happened in your life, so in the future, if you want your conversations to start in a positive way, remember to ‘start soft,’ and if possible, keep your wits about you, and keep them soft throughout.  You can do this by the way.  This isn’t a skill for some zen master, it’s a skill that you can become aware of, work at, and get really good at.

Tip #3 - “Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood.”  I’m telling you, you and I have a deep need to feel understood, heard, seen, and listened to.  When you try to understand where your parents are coming from first, you create a much safer and richer place, where better conversations can be had, and where you can get more of what you want… and better results are what we are after.  So instead of letting the “ME MONSTER” take over your conversations, where it’s all about you, and what you think, and what you want, put the ME MONSTER to bed, and instead take a moment to find out why things matter to people.  I’m telling you, this is a great skill that will be a blessing to you throughout your entire life. 

Tip #4 - “Use Your Magic Words, liberally.”  Do you know what the magic words are?  I’m sure you do, but just in case you don’t, the magic words are “Please, Thank You, and I’m Sorry.”  People, hear me out, I’m telling you, some things are just foundational in your relationships, and practicing using “Please, Thank You, and I’m Sorry” more often in your conversations with your parents, is a great way to proactively keeping your relationships with them awesome.  By the way, this skill also works with your teachers, friends, adults, and everyone else.  When we use these words with people, it keeps their defensiveness and resistance down.  I believe that it softens people’s hearts, and allows relationships to grow in a lighter and fun way.  These words are all about being considerate and respectful of people.  I’m telling… use these liberally… that means, all the time.

Tip #5 - “Spend Some Quality Time With Parents.”  Remember that this is one of the things that they desire and want… so give it to them.  Whether it’s helping with a project, or playing a game, or helping with chores, or going to an event, or watching a show together, or having breakfast, lunch or dinner, or going to work out with them, or supporting your siblings, honestly there are endless ways… I’m telling you, give a little bit of yourself and your time to them, and you’ll make your life significantly easier.  I know you want to do things that are interesting to you, and that you love and prefer… and you will do those things, but if you use some of your awesome balancing skills, and give a little here, and a little there, I believe that you’ll get a lot back. 

Tip #6 - “Be A Great Repairer.” Look, you and I know that things won’t be perfect all the time.  That you’ll disagree, argue, become upset, or feel misunderstood, or even treated unjustly by your parents.  When these moments happen, our hearts feel heavy, our heads overwhelmed and angry, and our home situation feels tense, be the kind of person that is willing to wave the white flag, and make peace.  This single skill, of learning to repair relationships when they become strained or hurt, is a critical skill.  Be the first one to own your part.  Be the first to apologize.  Be the first to forgive.  You… It starts with you… and isn’t that awesome that it starts with you?  Why not be the one that takes the wiser and higher road?  Is there a better option?  No… Be stellar!  Promote and invite good in your situations, and with the people you’re around.  My goodness, I guarantee that you’ll thank me later for being that kind of person that is willing to step up to the plate, and get to work repairing things when they are hurting.  By the way, I realize that sometimes we may need to create space in relationships that are abusive, but as a general rule, learn to be a peacemaker, and when others appologize to you… be quick to forgive, instead of holding on to your bitterness, pettiness, and grudges.  Holding on to those, is like holding on to a hot coal… be kind to yourself, and learn to drop those, and move forward.

Tip #7 - “Let Your Parents Into Your Life.”  This may take a little work and focus on your part, but when your parents ask you about school, or work, or friends, or whatever, take down your guard, and share a little… let them into your world a bit.  I know that sometimes this can be scary, or maybe you just don’t feel like sharing at that moment, but if you can muster some courage, and open your heart just a little bit, I think this would be a remarkable way of feeding and nurturing a great and friendly relationship with your parents.  Along the same lines, ask them about their life as well. 

Alright, seven tips is a great starting point.  There are so many awesome and simple things that you can do that will improve your relationship with your parents.  I’m sure you’ve got your own ideas, and if you’ve got a good thing going, for heaven’s sake, keep on rockin’ it!  Anyway, I hope this will give you some ideas.  Now get out there, and be the change… be the spark.  See you soon.

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