How can I deal with fighting and conflict better?

My brilliant friends, you never cease to amaze me. Honestly, there is a power... an energy in your youth that is just unmatched, and I'm grateful to be a small part of your day. Your desire to deal with fighting and conflict better, is just awesome. If you haven't already figured it out, you will very soon learn that your life is full of critical moments and important conversations - conversations with your parents, with your siblings, with your friends, teachers, coaches, strangers, and other significant people in your life. Sometimes you will be disrespected, treated unfairly and even picked on. These circumstances and conversations can often arouse emotions of anger, frustration, defensiveness, fear, and sadness inside of you. These emotions are hard to handle and, as a result, they often overwhelm the mind and body, turning us into primates. When this happens, we end up yelling at each other, we become defensive, we close down, sometimes we even become physically and verbally violent, and to be honest, when that happens, not a lot of good happens. Listen to what I'm about to tell you: Conflict is essential in life, and a significant part of your happiness and success depends upon your ability to navigate those moments with some class, perspective, and some skills. Why? Because I want, and you want, your life to be filled with happy times and success. Because you want your life to be easier and more filled with fun, instead of conflict and hardship... Because I want you to turn your arguments into moments of opportunity and growth, instead of sorrow and regret. Paulo Coelho said that "conflict is essential to evolution." In addition he also suggested that "Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path."

I've noticed that some of you are much more willing to walk into conflict than others. I admit that I usually try to avoid conflict, and at times this is a great quality, and other times honestly, it isn't. I admire the courage that some people have to stand up for themselves, for others, and for things that matter. What I am asking you to do is to choose wisely... what I am suggesting is for you to pick your battles with intelligence... what I'm hoping you will do, is that you will act in the kinds of ways that create freedom and open doors for you, instead of closing them. I realize that this takes some self-control, some mastery, some focus, and even some discipline... but isn't that why we are here? I mean, do you know of anything in this world that is worth doing, whether it be an art, skill, hobby, or sport, that doesn't require time, effort, and focus? I don't, so take the challenge, and become the kind of person that acts intelligently and consciously, instead of unconsciously. How does that sound to you?

I remember this one time I was in a restaurant and I saw this quote on the wall by John Wayne that said "Life is hard, it's even harder when you're stupid." Listen, I promise I'm not calling you stupid, I just think it's a funny quote that calls it like it. Here are a couple of other quotes that I think can help you to feel some motivation to do better. The Buddha said: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; in the end, you are the one who gets burned." He also said that "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." Alright, let's get to some of the skills that are going to help you to do more of what works, and less of what doesn't work.

1. Start soft: Have you ever heard the expression "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." I'm certain that you've seen this in your own personal life. When someone starts a conversation with you in a respectful, and kind way, you're so much more likely to respond back in a calm and respectful way back. This is a great skill anytime you want to keep things cool and calm. Start soft, and respond softly as a way to cool things down.
2. Watch your language: Your words are potent and can be the difference between a successful discussion and a disaster. Remember that words are tools. If you use them accurately and wisely, good outcomes are more likely to come your way. If you start flinging words around like hammers in a china shop, things get ugly real quick...right? Swear words, and harsh words are explosive, and if you're looking to have a positive outcome, those aren't the words you want to use.
3. Work the problem: The key in this technique is for you to stay focused on what works, and finding solutions, instead of focusing on the problems and attacking people with criticism. Sometimes when arguments break out, people quickly lose track of what they're even arguing about, and instead begin blaming and being harsh with each other. This of course leads to more conflict, and more hurt feelings. The difference sounds like this: "This is a problem, let's fix it," versus, "You're the problem, let's fix you." One inspires solutions, the other provokes war and defensiveness.
4. Plan ahead: Mike Tyson famously said "everyone's got a plan until they get punched in the face." Maybe Mike was right, but there's no doubt that planning ahead is critical for your success. Listen to this quote "We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." In other words, if you take in some of these skills, and attitudes I'm talking about, and commit to living your life in a more honorable way, when the time comes, you will be much more likely to respond in intelligent ways. Always remember that your psychology is everything my friends.
5. Listen more, talk less: I've been a therapist for 20 years, and I can tell you right now that the number one skill to de-escalate a situation, is to learn to listen better. When someone feels heard, understood, and respected, their anger goes down. So when conversations get tough hold your tongue and listen... don't speak over people... seek to understand them... shift your focus away from trying to plan how you're going to respond in your head, and instead settle in, and listen. Be wise people.
6. Put your ego away: An old friend of mine used to say "iuri, don't let people rent space in your head." In other words, don't let people push you to do things that you don't want to do, and that you wouldn't feel awesome about. When people provoke you, when they're rude to you, when they are unreasonable, remember your plan (that was step 4, remember?), and do the hard and right thing, instead of the easy and wrong thing. Lead with your values, with your confidence, instead of letting go of your values, and leading with your fear and insecurity... know what I'm sayin'?
7. Walk away: You know, sometimes the absolute wisest thing you will do is to walk away from a situation or persons who are trying to start something with you. When it becomes obvious that a person is egging you on, or trying to provoke you, and they just can't be reasoned with, the very best thing you can do is to leave that place and that person, before you do something that impacts your life and your personal reputation in a negative way.
8. Repair, repair, repair: My hard rockin' amigos, despite our best efforts, I'm sorry to say, you and the people around you will fall short, and we will end up acting in ways that are far below the best that we can do. When that happens, do what you can to repair quickly, and to accept other people's attempts to repair with you. Let go of that hot coal... let go of that poison... and move forward with confidence and optimism. In the book "Big Panda and Tiny Dragon," Big Panda asks Tiny Dragon, "Which is more important, the journey or the destination?" To which Tiny Dragon responds "The company." Think that over for a moment... My awesome amigos, when possible, don't burn bridges... fix things... forgive... be quick to apologize, and do what you can to build and nurture your positive relationships, because those relationships are the biggest predictor of your future happiness.

I'm sure you have your own ingenious ways of dealing with sticky situations, avoiding fights, and other circumstances that can make life miserable for you... use them... build on them... and become skilled at responding to and repairing conflicts. You can learn to manage your big, loud, and challenging emotions. It will take a little practice, the right psychology, and some patience, but hey... you can do that for sure. Learn from your mistakes and the mistakes of others, and move forward in a direction that expands your freedom, and gives you more choices, instead restricting your freedom and happiness.

Worry less about the road behind you, and more about the road ahead of you. If you feel like you just can't avoid conflict in your current circumstances, look to investing in new people, places, and things. Don't ever fall for the mental trap of believing that there's nothing you can do... you can do something! Never forget that it's your choices, and not your circumstances that will ultimately determine your future. Don't give up your power, instead learn to use it with wisdom and honor. Trust the process my friends. See you soon.

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