How do I help a friend without them feeling like a project?

Oh my, you all brought the heat this week, and with it a genius question.  You asked, “How do I help a friend without them feeling like a project?”  Brilliant!  The fact that you’re even thinking about this just makes me want to jump for joy, in part because it tells me a little about your mindset, and your effort to leave those who come to you, better than when they came. This question matters so much, in part because it strikes at the very root of who you are, and your connection to others around you… the reality is that you and I are connected… all of us, indeed no man or woman is an island.  We all go around, carrying with us our power, our influence, and the responsibility to be a force for good, and to elevate ourselves and those around us.

I’m 100% certain that your purpose in life includes this great truth… namely that you are to become a healer… a harbor of safety for others… a great physician… and a source of optimism and positivity for others.  So in a minute I’m going to teach you some skills that I’ve learned over two decades, and what FBI negotiators use when they are negotiating hostage situations.  But please remember, your sincere efforts matter more than you learning how to use these skills perfectly… so chill, be sincere, and give what you have to give. Ok, let me drop three suggestions at your doorstep, and see how what you think about them:

1. You Are Limited In Your Ability To Help Others: Ok, this is actually something that you need to understand before you even get started.  Your desire to help is wonderful, but ultimately people are going to make decisions in their life, in fact, it’s their job to make those decisions.  Now you can help, you can influence, you can be persuasive and your heart will want to help, but in the end you must realize that there is a limit.  Think of it like passing a tool to your friend, that she or he may choose to use or not use… that’s the deal, and you and I have to respect that. I can’t tell you how many times I have visited with incredible teens like you, who feel totally responsible because their friends are sad, or because they have harmed themselves, or because they are feeling miserable.  Look, you are powerful… but you cannot assume responsibility for your friend’s actions or decisions.  Remember that’s their business… that’s their job. Sometimes change takes time, and sometimes people just aren’t ready when you’re ready… There’s an old quote that says “when the student is ready, the teacher will appear” - What does that mean?  It means that when your mind and heart are ready, you’ll be willing to receive help… and until then, we often reject the help, or don’t really follow up and take the necessary steps to change. Remember we’re dealing with people, not cows or dogs, and forcing change is not what we do.  So give… give the very best that you have to give, and then allow their decisions and experience to take them the rest of the way.  

2. Settle In… Look, a mighty change is mighty hard work, so settle in, and give people the time and patience they need.  Most things are not quick fixes, or one time conversations, so settle in and Follow these steps:

• First, whenever your friends share something with you, thank them for sharing.  Remember that sharing is risky business… it takes guts, so when they do, simply say “you’re so awesome, i’m so happy you’re telling me this.” … or “thanks for trusting me”, or… “I’m glad you said something”, 

• Next, Ask Questions?… the key here is seek first to understand, then to be understood.”  show interest, find out a little more “how long have you been feeling this way,... does anyone else know?... how have you been dealing with this?...”  the key here is to give them an opportunity to talk… and my friend, talking is healing in and of itself… let them talk…allow them the space to let the poison out.  Sometimes listening and asking them questions might be all you need to do… remember, you have two ears, and just one mouth… use your ears… do not rush for solutions or advice… settle in… hear them out, try to understand, validate what they say “dang bro, that sounds tough”… or “I hear you”… or “I’m sorry, that sounds super hard…”  I’m telling you, your comforting words here are pure medicine… settle in and trust the process.  This is the most important part of the process… this is where you are cementing your relationship… this is where you show that you can listen, that you can be a safe place, that you’re not going to judge harshly… remember you’re not fixing, (actually you are), you’re just giving your friend a place where they can take their thinking and feeling, and maybe make some sense of it.  Settle in… don’t fix… trust this process.

• Provide a Suggestion… with humility.  This is a simple suggestion that I give to people all over the world, “ask for permission to give advice”  You can say it like this… “i have an idea, wanna hear it? Or “I have a quick suggestion, can I give it to you?”  Or “what do you think about… and then offer your opinion”  remember to offer it in humility… this is a suggestion, it’s your opinion, it’s something that may work for you, but not for them.  They can take it or leave, in fact sometimes I’ll say exactly that… “this may or may not work for you, or it’s just my opinion, what do you think?”  The more you say things in a gentle way, the more likely they are to hear it, so if you’re really interested in helping, then offer those suggestions in a patient and humble way.  This will help them to not feel like a project, instead they’ll feel heard, seen, understood, and respected… you’re not forcing them, you’re inviting them… and for you, remember, they can reject your help… this isn’t about you per say, we got to respect… R.E.S.P.E.C.T. their ability to direct their life.  You’re not taking the driver’s seat… that’s their seat.  You may have some ideas, but don’t grab for the wheel… solid boundaries my friend.  

One more quick thing my friends, It is not your responsibility to save your friends, and my life… that’s my job.  Sometimes in your effort to help, it may be too much for you… remember you are managing your life as well… your own stresses and challenges.  You are not to run faster than you have strength.  Help when you can, give the best that you have to give, but don’t ever fall for the trap that it’s all up to you… that you’re the only one… that you’re what stands between that person and a tragedy… sometimes people who are hurt can consciously or unconsciously put people in this place… be aware of it, and know your place… like i said, don't jump in the drivers seat… don’t take the wheel, no matter how much they want you to.  Their actions are theirs and theirs alone, so just remember this bit of truth as you venture into this wonderful and meaningful world of being a helper and a healer.  Now get out there and be a humble healer, and reap the benefits of an awesome and meaningful life.

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