I just broke up. What do I do?

My brilliant friend, it's so rad to have you here. You're remarkable, and your pursuit to think, feel, and do a little better will absolutely make your life richer with more feelings of peace, happiness, optimism, and ultimately less suffering. Now listen to me, suffering is a critical part of your life. And some of you that are listening right now may have already experienced a tremendous amount of it.

Suffering is painful, difficult, and sometimes blinding... meaning that when we are hurt or hurting, our perspective narrows, and oftentimes it's hard to see anything else beyond our pain. Hope, optimism, positivity, motivation, and energy can sometimes feel like they are light years away... completely unreachable, and impossible to grasp. Now, I don't want to discount or devalue your suffering, and how critical it is for you to go through it... in fact, what I really want, and what I can promise you, is that together I can help you to "Grow through, what you go through"

I know it's a little play on words, but that ultimately what you're in for, and today I'm going to show what you can expect, and some steps that you can take so that you can move forward in an honorable, graceful, and courageous way.

First of all, it's nice to know what you can expect. Often people just like you will experience feelings of Denial... meaning it may be difficult to accept that the relationship is really over. You may find yourself thinking that the breakup is a mistake or even that things will work out in the end.

Next, as the reality of the breakup sinks in, you may start to feel angry and bitter towards your ex. You may blame them for the way things turned out, how they treated you, all the negative things that happened as a result of that relationship... and by the way, anger is important here... there is a lot of energy in anger, and that energy can help to inspire the courage you need to move upward and beyond this difficult time.

Now remember that anger is energy, and when that energy is directed it can launch a rocket into space, but when it has no meaning, or purpose and direction, it can literally explode... so... I'm telling you this now so that you can understand what's coming, and when anger shows up, you can utilize that energy to move forward in ways that are reasonable, intelligent, and helpful to you, instead of just exploding like dynamite, and hurting yourself and others around you.

Ok, the next phase is bargaining, and really this phase is about you feeling a sense of longing for the way things used to be. You might start to think about what you could have done differently or try to negotiate with your ex to get back together, but unless this person inspires you... unless they are absolutely awesome to you... unless you can look at them and say to yourself... man, I want my future children to be just like this person... then hang in and hold back, and remember that this is just a normal phase that you're going through, and don't go running back.

I know this is easier said than done... but so what... you're not here to choose easy, you're here to choose what is wise and courageous... so take a deep breath, lift up your chin, roll your shoulders back, place a small grin on your face, and let's gooo!

So the next phase is sadness. As the breakup continues to settle in, you may start to feel a sense of sadness and hopelessness. You may feel like you'll never be able to move on, or feel liked or loved again, and that you'll be alone forever... I'm sorry my friend, this may be hard, but it is expected, and if this happens you need to know, that as real as those thoughts and feelings may feel... and intensely as they appear to you in the moment... they simply aren't. No doesn't mean Never, No just means Next... Did you hear me? No means Next, it means let's go again, it means let's grow and go... or how they said it in Top Gun... it's time to Turn and Burn baby!!

Now the final stage is acceptance and peace of mind... with time, you will start to accept the reality of the breakup and begin to move on. You'll start to let go of the past and look towards the future. You'll learn to live without your ex and understand that life can be good, even great without them. If you go through these stages well, you'll notice that your bitterness will fade, your anger will become less intense, you may even be able to wish this people well, and look at them like a human... like you... wanting to be happy, wanting to figure out life.

It's important for you to realize that everyone goes through these stages in their own way, and at their own pace. Some may experience more sadness than others, while some may experience more anger. Also not everyone will experience all the stages, and some stages may last longer than others. It's normal to have moments where you bounce back, you may feel like you're back to a previous stage, and that's fine. Give yourself time and be awesome with yourself, not rude and unkind.

I'm telling you these because when we know better, we can respond better. Knowledge really is power, and that's why you're here. Ok, now i promised you some tips to help you move on, and here they are:

1. Realize that it's normal to go through these phases that I just discussed. You're not ill, weak, insecure, too emotional, it's normal to miss someone, to hurt, to feel a sense of loss. Remember that relationships require work, investment of time and energy, and whenever we break a connection, I think our heart hurts, and yours will likely hurt as well, even if your relationship was not a very positive one.
2. Create a little distance from this person. No matter how horrible you feel this is, or you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, or you don't want to be rude, or you still want to be friends... give yourself a little break from this individual.
3. Begin to invest your precious time, energy, and effort into other areas of your life. Hang out with friends, with your family, with your siblings, get caught up with school work, go to work, get back into your hobbies, in fact, take that energy and maybe find some new hobbies. This is important... my friend you have to move... you have to move... you have to adapt, to move forward, to continue on... of course you can have moments of sadness and grieving, and rest, and you can allow yourself those times, but that's not where you're going to live... that's not the house you're building... that's not the future you're in for, so whether it's at school, sports, hobbies, clubs, friends, family, religious practices, or other community cool stuff... get with it and get involved.
4. This one is connected to creating a little distance from this person, please, please, please, save yourself the trouble, protect your heart and your mindset, and do a Social Media Purge. No matter what an ego-wounded ex may tell you, it's not unkind to unfollow them; feel free to block them in the name of your sanity. Hear me out... give yourself the space instead of obsessing and stalking them on social media, and judging whether they're happier without you, and happier with other people... people we have to stop the insanity, and that's why I'm helping you out. In fact, studies show that people who keep checking on, or stalking their exes on social media, have more "nagging feelings of love and loss, more distress and negative feelings, and less personal growth after a breakup." So once again, be loyal, be intelligent, be brave, and make the smart choice.
5. Ok, number 5... don't go back to them. Look your brain loves familiarity... even if it's unhealthy, sometimes your brain would rather go back to what is certain and familiar, instead of what is unknown and unfamiliar, but if you do, you would likely just find the same problems that broke you apart in the first place... so realize that's it's normal to think and feel this, but instead of going back or contacting your old flame, redirect that desire to connect and be with people, ad invest in another area of your life.
6. Finally, my awesome human, I need you to hold on to hope and optimism here... remember NO or rejection doesn't mean Never, it simply means Next. It means go on! Remember that you ultimately don't have to choose people you don't want to be with, and other people have the right to not choose to be with you... remember that's your job, and it's their job. Relationships are absolutely critical, and you want to employ your very best thinking and your very best self when you are choosing someone to be with... as painful as it can be to breakup with someone, or to be broken up with... remember to respect someone's decision to do this, it's your job, and it's their job.

My friend be brave... be optimistic... there is more... much more... so don't hide out, instead let's ride out, and go again, better, wiser, stronger, more experienced, cause that's what you will be. My friend, i'm cheering you. Stay humble, stay flexible, and let's go forward confidently. See you next time.

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