My genius friends, I applaud you for being here, i'm so impressed that you would take the time to listen, to engage, and to intelligently invest in your present, and in your future. So yesterday, I was visiting with a good friend of mine who told me... iuri, today is my 10 year anniversary, and i said "for what", and he said, it's been 10 years of sobriety. Of course I congratulated him, because I knew his story well, and what a train wreck it had been for the years before that. He had started as a young man experimenting with alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, and over time some of his experimentation grew to harder drugs, chaos, and finally some prison time. After years and several rehab centers trying to get him away from alcohol and pain pills, he is now 10 years sober and helping others do the exact same thing. I also saw another friend who was celebrating 18 years of sobriety from heroin, and pain pills. He too started as a young man watching his older brothers fall into the trap of alcohol, cigarettes, and then other hard drugs. As a young man he remembers beginning to drink alcohol, beginning to party a little bit, then beginning to use marijuana, and finding a group of friends that in his mind at the time, were awesome, accepting, not judgmental, although he now realizes that some of that acceptance that felt so good, was really more about them not caring about anyone else, and just being happy that someone else was doing what they were doing. For years my friend dabbled in and out of alcohol and drug abuse, ending up in Jail and finally in Prison after two felony charges of drug possession and driving under the influence. At this point he was married, a father, and doing everything he could to provide for his family, while at the same time trying to manage this "beast" that's how he describes it, that was literally and constantly trying to destroy everything he was attempting to build. He reports being in prison, suffering the excruciating pain of coming off of pain pills, heroin, and other drugs, wth his body convulsing, shaking, not being able to sleep or think straight for months... but fortunately for him, he found people who cared, who could see that despite his challenges, his craziness, his irrational behaviors, that he was a man full of cunning, and courage, and energy, that had simply gotten caught up in a trap, and was using that genius and energy in non-productive and non-intelligent ways. This whole time he was seeing himself as a complete piece of crap, hopeless, ashamed, irredeemable... but then he began to see himself differently... where before he saw hopelessness, he now felt hope... where he saw himself as a horrible human being, he now felt powerful and able to change... and finally that shame... which he still feels to this day, was replaced by wisdom, compassion, and a powerful way to help people.
As a therapist, I've listened to 1000's of these stories. Incredible people like you, like them, like me, all caught up in a couple of bad decisions that inevitably grow, become larger in size, gain some momentum, and can at times quickly become a gigantic part of our lives.... Like that beast that my friend talked about, the beast slowly becoming a greater part of his thinking, feeling, and his social life, until at some point these poor people are doing things that they never thought they would think or do... steal, lie, cheat, kill, they're caught up in a trap, the hopelessness and the despair grows, and as a result so does their habit, and what ultimately becomes a full mental and physical addiction. People say that "the doors of history turn on very small hinges" and my beautiful friend, so it is with your life and your choices... small choices lead to big outcomes, so keep your head up, your eyes open, and sharpen up your mind a bit, so that you can ultimately make decisions that will bring more freedom, joy, and wholesome pride and honor to your life, instead of getting caught up in traps that may engulf and push you down.
As I was listening to my good friends tell me their story, a couple of themes seemed to stick out to me, that I think you should know about:
- They thought they were different and maybe even a bit invincible. Even though they had seen tragic things happen to their friends in school, in their homes, with drugs and alcohol, in their minds they thought to themselves, "thats not going to be me... i'm smarter than that... i'm never going to drink and drive... i'll never use something harder than alcohol, or marijuana... i'll stop later... this isn't going to take over my life." Now don't get me wrong, I love confidence, but there's a difference between confidence and ignorance, and in their case, and in thousands of others, this is a common theme... they think they are above or better than the ones that they've seen crash and burn. Nobody starts using alcohol, drugs, vaping, or using tobacco thinking... This will likely cost me 1000's of hours and dollars, jail, prison, family and relationship problems, problems at school, etc, they start thinking it's fun, exciting, a one time thing... but there is a pattern here my friends, and intelligent people can spot patterns, and have the wisdom to avoid toxic ones.
- Our choices become social circles. What i really mean here is that we love a good echo chamber, and what i mean by that is that we love to be surrounded by people that feel, think, and do what we do. We love to feel accepted, understood, and not judged, and when we are around people who think and feel, and do what we do, they're not really judging us, because we're in sync, and so these circles oftentimes because a bit of a drain... or like a good friend of mine used to say... like a bucket of crabs, and whenever one of the crabs is trying to get out of the bucket, the other crabs pull them back down. So just be aware of that... yes, we love to be accepted and to feel comfortable, but let's be brave enough to grow beyond our mindset, to feel a little uncomfortable, and to ensure that we have different circles of friends that compel us to grow up a bit, and to be a bit more intelligent, instead of just pushing them away because they don't think, or do, or agree with what you are doing.
- Roaches thrive in the dark. I remember a while back i lived in some really poor areas in Jersey, and there were lots of roaches in our apartments, and the moment we turned on the lights, those little... actually they weren't little, some of them were huge... would all scurry back into the dark... and so it is with us and our secrets. People who begin to experiment with vaping, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, or who are even attempting to stop or slow down often try to do this all by themselves... to do it in their heads... they don't want to tell anyone because they're afraid to get into trouble, or afraid that people will be disappointed, or that they'll judge them, and as a result they keep trying, which is awesome by the way, and I absolutely applaud every attempt that they or you are making, but I have just found that until they work through their own ego, their own pride, and turn on the lights... that that behavior ends up growing and spreading despite their efforts and good intentions. So my friend use the strength, wisdom, and experience of others to climb back out or the hole you've dug for yourself.
My friend, I hope you can hear me and feel me a bit here... i'm not here to scare you or to convince you to do or to not do something. This is your life and you ultimately end up deciding on the quality of life that you want to live... what you will spend your life doing... what you will pursue... what you will value... this is your job... this is what you're born to do. You are born to craft a life, a life that you can look forward to, and a life that you can look back on and say... dude that was awesome. I lived greatly, courageously, I have contributed to where i came from, I've lifted myself and others, I have sacrificed for great causes, i have deliberately added to my intelligence and wisdom, I have elevated my condition in life, i have climbed the mountains in my life, I will live a life that my children will want to emulate, I make decisions that enhance my life, that create opportunity, that open doors, that build a future for me, instead of digging holes for myself, or shooting myself in the foot, or make decisions that take away my freedom and that cause me to hide in shame and embarrassment.
So my plea with you today is simple... be intelligent... be wise... yes you are unique, beautiful, awesome, radical and brilliant, but you are a human as well... a biological being... and as a result you are susceptible to the same challenges that we all are, and when you consistently place something into your body that is crafted to capture you, to ensnare your brain and your body like a trap, something that has been proven for millenia to create a physical dependency or a mental addiction, let's be wise and humble enough to recognize that we are not immune...because that would be unreasonable right?
So if you yourself are struggling in this area, please consider what I have to say. Bring your struggle to the light, to a parent, a friend, a counselor, a teacher, a religious leader, a family member that you respect, and find strength in their support and wisdom. Remember that you are the creator of your social circles. Be a positive force wherever you are, and be brave enough to expand your circles of friends to include people that may not agree with what you are doing, and that may stretch you to grow. If you have friends that are using drugs and alcohol, and you are considering using those as well, I hope that you can take a moment to use your best mind, to consider the words, and the experiences that i have just shared with you. Life is hard enough, with enough suffering in it, consider not adding more difficulty or misery to it.
And if you have decided and chosen not to ever use drugs or alcohol, I would simply say that I believe that that is a wise decision for you right now, and for your future.
Remember that the purpose of your life is to be awake, to be deliberate, to be more mindful, more conscious, instead of mindless or unconscious. The key for us is to use this incredible body and brain as an instrument for your happiness and success, instead of feeding your brain and body things that will ultimately cause it to function poorly, and that can harm it. Use your best mind, your best ideas, your best reasoning, the best information available... be like a scientist, like an attorney in a courtroom... look at the evidence, the history, the experience of people, and then move forward confidently in the path that will inspire your life, and the life of others around you... my friends, be wise, and be cool.
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